Sunday, August 13, 2017

I once wrote about joy and feeling ashamed for it

and now i regret feeling ashamed

because even as it was a false idol

there was a moment, I believe in the prayer of

honest, joyous, love

and that precious moment, though it made me feel ashamed, boastful, and like i was leading with my love stuck ego

i would give every ounce of my soul for it back

i would return every lesson i have learned

to simply feel loved in joy again

to know i am a priority

to believe he is true

to return to a place of loved bursting, nearly boastful joy

instead of waiting for him to come home

from rescuing someone else.

again.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Why bother

it's been three years or more since I felt the desire to write without objection and yet, here I am again.

i cannot sleep,
knowing a fullish moon will creep her way to my window
and awaken me in three hours or so -

why bother?

last time i delved into feeling,
i found myself exploratory,

undecided - exempt from conclusion

this time it shall be different.

40 days or 39 ways to choose something new.

I will write shitty poems, and terrible blogs,

I will unfurl the emotion and pain and passion of the past 4 years.

I will shake off obligation and reject blind optimism while stepping into the shiny bright joy that I exist to bring.

I will get a silent keyboard, so i can write at night, tucked in bed, naked with chanel no. 5 while he sleeps next to me.

I will understand we need different things - we all need different things.

and my thighs will be his resting place while i find their power to reclaim my mountains,

because I bother, because I know,

I will learn how to love and to climb with abandon again.