Tuesday, July 2, 2013

What the Fuck am I Going to Do with Your Last 11 Condoms?

Yes, they come in packs of twelve. Yes, this was the first pack we ever actually attempted to use. Yes, I decided I want to be a mom and so I removed my IUD and even though we weren't supposed to have sex anymore, we did anyway.

We used one of twelve that night. In the morning we didn't use anything. Eleven days later I had a positive pregnancy test. A few days later it was clear I wasn't pregnant.

And yes, it was clear it was time to end it. Because you are not where I am. I am not where you are. We care in the present. In this relationship, there is no future. Yes, there is honor in what we shared. No, there is no tomorrow.

And yes, I was confused and happy and concerned and unsure. And no I wasn't ready, but yes I did have an imagination.

I imagined an intrepid little kid who decided to be conceived and convinced me to take out my IUD and calmed me to agree and wait patiently on a night when I would otherwise say no ... and then to let that morning happen. I imagined that kid for a while.

And now I have eleven condoms left and no you, and no intrepid little kid, and I'm OK with waiting, and figuring out a better way with someway, not you.

But I am just not sure what to do with the remaining barriers of our failed attempt at boundaries because I still have some sort of screwed up hope that an intrepid kid will make the throwing away a lot less ceremonial.


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