Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Back to Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 1

It's time to restart my man hiatus. Not because I lost my mind again and started making countlesss egregious man decisions based on the crazy cakes of my relationships past, but instead because I dabbled down the road of flirtation - which may have had a shot at being something more like romance. I backed away from a not so productive budding relationship I wasn't all that into and looked starry eyed toward someone I was. Of course instead of treading lightly with this new bloke, your favorite little poet went all sorts of enthusiastic bombshell, got excited, romantic, heart pitter pattery, and well - turned into maybe just actually really liking someone. And then she literally fell down rocks with him, scraped her knee, bruised her elbow and twisted her ankle. (Yes third person is easier with that admission.)

Now here's the deal. It felt precisely awful. Not the pain from the physical stumble exactly, or the weeklong healing of an adolescent scraped knee, but instead the emotion of the metaphor. The moment when I realized I might like a guy, I might want to know him more, I might have to get nervous about whether or not he might like me in return and that I could possibly fall for him was distractingly terrible. Literally unsettling, confusing, nauseating, and fundamentally unacceptable. So clearly I am not ready in any way to be dabbling in flirtation. I just don't have days to lose on whether or not a dude likes me.

I need to grace myself much more gently into this world of mutual courtship. I need to not tumble head first into fantasy of possibility but instead learn to have a first date. I need to find a medium and not just a hot or cold. At some point, I'm going to need to learn to trust without the desire to show and maybe overwhelm with my very full deck of cards on day one.

But now, today, this week, this month - is definitely not the time to try my hand at dating. I am not sure what it even means, and derailing cannot happen ever again. There are bigger mountains to climb right now, things I want to achieve, opportunity here for the grasping that I cannot ignore. I want to someday fall in love again and start anew but I am too afraid and that's not anything I can do safely quite yet. Falling head over barefoot heels for a guy, scraping my knee, and finding myself and likely my heart - black and blue, no matter how awesome he seems on first blush simply will not do.

I'm not yet ready and my alread bruised heart and freshly scraped knee will take a long time to heal.

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