Yep, tonight I am just straight up pissed. Somewhere between getting dating advice from a well meaning and dear best friend, which god knows I do not need because I absolutely should not even remotely be dating, and a dumb-ass unneeded update regarding ex-husbandriffic, I want to throw something at the wall.
This is one of those times that a chick who was married/relationshipped for a decade wishes she could just fade into oblivion for six months or so. I spent the day de-fleaing my house because the two felines that share my humble abode picked up some friends whilst adventuring the hood. (Note - I love the felines and all, but BOTH were gifted from dudes who got all nesty with me at certain points). While bleaching everything in my house, I also attempted to dye my pristine pink wedding heels a poetic black after five years of closeted awkwardness. I showered twice and checked out my 15 year old tattoo thinking "hmmm what would my mom think of this little piece of defiant art", and then I bought a new vacuum cleaner, (because there is no better time to learn your vacuum is broken than when your house is salted in flea powder). Afterwards I went to the beach.
And here is the freaking deal. I do not want to hang out with my mother on her birthday. She abandoned me on mine. I do not want to be friends with a bully or go on his holiday. He is jerk and I just don't play that way. I am so not interested in dating advice, because I am not remotely ready. My fingers are stained from the RIT dye and the pink shoes will not turn to black, no matter how long they soak. I am mad as hell about the guy who didn't call because I thought - he was maybe even fleetingly not a jerk, (he probably isn't but for the sake of my ego it kinda helps to pretend he is) and honestly to all the guys who gave me felines (and subsequently house fleas) - F U.
But I do have this tattoo and I got it at 18 years old. In college, with a best friend astronaut, we went to some shady (best-of-the-city) locale in Oakland and she got a rocket ship heading to the moon and I got an infinity sign made out of a vine. And back then, I promised myself, as I do today - to be infinitely passionate, to be infinitely alive. I wanted my older brother to someday tell my parents about the mark I got, but at this point - it's mine. All mine.
So yep, positively incensed tonight. Angry about the things that didn't happen and the loves that fell apart. Wanting to throw rocks at the guy who didn't call (or email - frick you interweb), and the ones who gave me cats. But most of all, I am determined that when tomorrow comes, I will wake up and remember that my mantra is infinite vitality - and come what may, in life I play - so let's find some adventure because grumpy, is just no way to stay.