Friday, July 1, 2011

Dear Big Brother

Dear Brennan,

I miss you. I miss all that a big brother could have been and all that a little sister wanted to be. See, I've found my way back to the person we always talked about and I'm finally doing the things I said I could and would do, but just like when we were kids, that person doesn't get along so well with the parental units. And I wish I could have escaped to Alaska too, but for now Santa Monica is my own Alaska. I'm safe in the ocean and it feels almost as far away. I sleep under the Kennecott Northern Lights every night and wake to the red paint of the mine every day. They are my favorite pictures.

I wore your dream catcher earrings on the first day of graduate school, because I wanted you there with me. I filed my divorce papers on the way to school that day which was strange and then we did this really weird survival study thing about a pilot killed in a plane crash which cut deeper than anything I could imagine. But there is a guy with the last name Brennan in my class, so I think you might be there, or at least you helped me through day one.

And on a night like tonight, when everything is going overwhelmingly right and I am feeling so very inspired, it scares me. I don't know what to do with all the opportunity and responsibility to achieve. And I just wish I had my big brother to remind me that being scared is stupid and there isn't a mountain I can't summit, because sometimes it's hard to convince yourself to just keep climbing.


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