So 40 days ago I realized I was entirely confused by romance, by circumstance, by relationships of no consequence and so I went on hiatus. I tapped out of flirtation and stepped back from dating, mating, relating even interacting with guys. In order to quiet all the noise and influences that didn't serve my own hopeful dreams, I went dark. What a girl can learn from a fast!
First I learned I can and will fall in love with just about anyone because in my opinion people are extraordinary. I love nothing more than digging into someone's soul and understanding what makes them tick. It helps me understand my own mechanisms. I believe I have something to learn from almost every soul I meet and I cannot shut myself down from that sponge like desire. The difference however between letting myself love unrestricted and untethered with the rhythm of life versus aching from hurt caused by the imbalance of my poetic expectations and reality of the people I meet is what I must practice.
Second I've learned that following a divorce, you really really do need to find time to be alone - entirely and completely alone. After the last 40 days, I am most definitely not ready to even consider testing any sort of dating waters. In fact, as I review the final terms of my divorce which will be executed 30 days from now and scroll through the pages of the last forty days, I'm pretty sure that I will have a summer free of anything close to falling again. Its amazing when you realize what you want more than anything is perhaps the very worst thing for you. I know that even the smallest amount of affection will lead to my inevitable collapse into a mismatched relationship, so I best sit in my own corner for a while longer. It's been a very confusing year.
Last, I do believe that now that the noise has quieted and I've considered the gap between my own misplaced romantic fantasies and the reality of the type of guys I've dated - I might now be able to better identify when I am just flirting with the hopeful inevitable romantic poet attaching to anyone or instead actually engaging with someone who might want more than just a fling. I look forward to that day, just not any time soon.
It's been a journey and I've come to learn that there are very few things better than choosing to take off all the armor acquired over the course of relationships staring openly at your own reflection, finding what makes you sexy, compelling, and instead of needing another's reflection to simply understand who you might be, just resting quietly, alone Naked with Chanel No: 5.