So the other night I attended a bachelorette party for one of my oldest friends. A like minded soul, the bride and I have adventured around the world, traveled through Europe for months, created, painted, written, sung, and climbed through our childhood together. There was no limit to the champagne in the back seat of the limousine as we caroused throughout downtown Los Angeles. (I of course wore my seat belt.)
As the bubbles flowed so did the nostalgia for all the loves we remembered from our past. The Italians, the Australians, the Brits, and even the Americans. At every port of call we found someone to inspire and adventure with. The love affairs never lasted long, just enough to guide to the next port. A temporary co-captain on life's journey. Long story short, all this nostalgia led to a game of drunk dial, in which I ended up calling my soon to be ex husband a few times.
He didn't answer. It was after-all three AM, but we connected the next day when I finally woke up... We got to talking about why our marriage was doomed and he said quite frankly, "You can't have two captains in a marriage."
Now I absolutely disagree with that, but I also acknowledge there is no way to stay married to someone who feels that way. A part of me hopes for the hail mary, last minute pre-divorce paper signing, for him to rush back and shout that he was wrong, he wants to love me as an equal, doesn't need someone to be less than him in order to feel secure, and could be a co-captain in life, but I'm smart enough to know that's not going to happen. I'm also willing to accept that even if he did, it wouldn't be how he really feels and we would find ourselves here again.
So where will I meet my co-captain? I don't know, but because I want to be matched in the extraordinary and on an adventure together, I will never again apologize for all that I will give and all that I will expect. A hiatus has helped make it clear that it's going to have to be someone pretty damn special in order for me to anything other than Naked with Chanel No: 5.