Tuesday, June 8, 2010

You aren't a toy - I wish you knew that

Jun 8, 2010

She is frustrated while because she's decided to move on - officially, it's been announced - She has been abundantly clear and there is no going back. No no no going back. Painful, fearful, and soooo OK, because what she is leaving was wrong for them both, and together they are better apart. She still remains fearful and finds herself stuck on another repeat.

Her feelings have rapidly climb elsewhere and rest precariously on an abundantly unproductive perch. A fairy tale in her head that perhaps has no lifeline or possibility of hope and she's thinking it isn't love, although she does not actually know what love feels like anymore. And there is no no no going forward. And yes, she is imperfect, flawed, emotional, and a bit broken, so she'd be wary of her too.

When she asked him how they ever might get over their new habit, he said that she'd eventually find a new toy - although they remember the conversation differently. She realized that it's not only her fear of relevance dividing them - but his as well.

Let me be clear she wants to shout - "I don't want another toy. He is not replaceable. I want the chance to fall in love with him. I want to be passionate, and weak, strong and kind. I want to be broken with him, I want to be new with him. I want the chance to begin again with him. I want him to feel as strongly as I do, and I fear he never will. Because he may tear my clothes off and kiss me for hours, he won't take my call a day later."

This may however be the new rules because there is a difference between an affair, having a lover, and being married. She's heard there's a book on the subject, that she ought to read but can't believe he's just not that into her. Then again, she was married to a man who wasn't that into her for about a decade, so judge of character is clearly murky at best.

Stuck in one place while simultaneously sprinting somewhere different, petrified that new won't ever be able to grow,  she's clear about dashing forward knowing it means heading straight into repeated heartbreak again and she just fucking wishes - "If only I could just have grown up as a simpler kind of girl."

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