Thursday, April 22, 2010

When


Apr 22, 2010

When you were describing what happened with your last girlfriend, it was like looking in a slightly warped mirror. There was a person you'd been waiting years to date and suddenly circumstances made it possible, but the reality of life made it improbable. She pushed you away because of issues she was dealing with and it was easy to internalize it, but cruel timing, expectations, and circumstance dictated that it wasn't meant to be. It's lack of conclusion and unfulfilled resolution was excruciating.

Yeah - I get that.

When I said, you have been more of a husband to me than he was, what I really wanted you to hear is that you've been more of what I should hope for. You gave me friendship, warmth, creative inspiration, generosity of self, and just plain human caring. You made me want to share back not because of some artificial obligation, but because of a natural desire to be someone's partner. Without meaning to, you helped me realize that at the very least a relationship should have these elements. It's a bit hard for even me to believe that my own marriage had almost none of that and I was replacing what I needed with the friendship of others, sometimes blurring those relationship lines.

So - How do I move on from here to there?

When I told you how I felt, you've never responded in a way that should make me believe you feel the same. You have almost always been very clear with me. Even though you keep half your words inside, what you do say is abundantly direct. You don't need to find a way to better verbalize it, I finally get it. I won't keep making you tell me "no."

And there is one more thing to say.

When I compare you to him, I know it's awkward and you may feel responsible, and here's the simple truth - you partially are. Not however in a way that should make you feel guilty, but in the way that helped someone see their own self worth again. I actually forgot that there should be a "self" in a relationship. I appreciate that you were there to help me find some semblance of me again. I am going to have to re-define love, because I have a pretty bad road-map so far. I am however done searching for this treasure in places it simply doesn't exist.

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