Tuesday, July 7, 2009

unanswered prayers

Jul 7, 2009
I spoke with a man today who was perhaps my first love. I remembered our first kiss at the tender age of 14 that literally made it feel like my earth was cracked open. We spoke for over an hour about the last 18 years, but mostly about the time we spent as careful friends after a youthful romance with a cautious history.

I realized that the view of history was different in both our eyes. Our lives like winding roads had crossed over the years through high school, into college. A romance started almost the day we met and remained precious, adventurous, and relatively innocent all through high school. While we always had a dynamic chemistry through college, we never actually made love because he was waiting for the right woman. I could not in my soul understand how I, a woman he'd been enchanted by when I was only a girl, and now found in his arms again wasn't in fact the right woman. 

Imagine my surprise to learn that now after 18 years he still was waiting for the right woman and that all along it was in fact religious reasons why he declined. His holy commitment was strong enough to overcome desire, but in his youth he was too shy to admit why. He wanted all of the intimate moments that preceded sex but admittedly sheepishly, “It’s not like Jesus comes up much when you are trying to take of a girl’s clothes.” I was devastated as a girl to have been turned down by someone I thought I wanted so much. I am happy as the woman I am today to know that I was not successful in changing his course. While it was not my choice, it was his.

It was certainly a moment to think back on unanswered prayers.

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