Friday, April 16, 2010

Two lists

Apr 16, 2010

There are two lists below and I share them with this space because sharing with him had only a temporary resonance which was forgotten upon sunrise. I need to be heard. I wish he could hear me, and listen to what I say, but I understand it is to hard to be faced with this reality, and so - here, on our 5th wedding anniversary, are my lists.

Reasons to Stay
- Not to be alone
- I care for him and don’t want to hurt him.
- I love him and always will.
- Honoring a commitment I made seems like the right thing to do.
- This will be painful and very difficult.
- I may never find anyone else.
- My family will be disappointed in me.
- Marriage isn’t ever perfect so I shouldn’t expect it.
- My parents are still married.
- Divorce will be a distraction in the immediate future.
- Divorce may define me as a woman more than marriage.
- Focusing on divorce is affecting my professional productivity.
- In his eyes, I am letting him down by leaving.
- I will lose friends.
- He will lose friends.
- I want to protect him.
- His family will hate me even more than they already do.
- Its embarrassing.
- It’s expensive.
- It may be nasty and I don’t want to deal with such a horrific situation.
- It will uproot his life and force him to change things.
- I am everything he has when it comes to strong personal relationships.
- I’m afraid

Reasons to Go
- There is no “me” in our marriage, only an US and a HIM
- I know that without question I cannot promise emotional or physical fidelity.
- While I love him, I am not, nor have I ever been truly in love with him.
- I don’t want a marriage that requires me to scream for attention
- Marriages that have this much yelling aren’t healthy
- I am not being true to myself if I pretend this is enough
- I am hurting him by staying more than I will be by leaving
- He doesn’t listen to me.
- He doesn’t hear me no matter how clear I am
- The feelings I have now, I had before we were married and I ignored them.
- He feels entitled to everything in my life, my friends, my family, and my opportunities yet feels no burden himself to develop his own friends or opportunities. I serve his purposes.
- He abandoned me when I was hurt and left me to fend for myself when seriously injured and blamed me for his behavior, because I'm so independent.
- I don’t want to take care of him anymore.
- I don’t want to move forward with him – eg: buying a house or raising children.
- If we have children, I fear I will raise them alone, even if we remain married.
- He expects me to be there for him.
- He expects me to solve all his problems.
- We don’t have a good sex life and we’ve never really had a good one.
- We don’t share mutual passions.
- He doesn’t want to know me better, or get to know my creative artist side.
- He’s afraid to ever face my sadness.
- He wants me to stay the same
- I eat and drink my emotions in this marriage and it’s left me very unhealthy.
- We don’t really respect each other with the ways we behave and interact.
- I feel like I try to be life giving in my marriage and he does not try. I resent this.
- I am tired of pretending.
- I am tired of being mean.
- I am not strong enough to accept this fate as my only hope for love.
- I cannot promise to be faithful to him. I won't be a woman who cheats.
- He deserves better.
- I deserve better.
- Dealing with this marriage makes me act like a person I’m not proud of.
- I am constantly seeking more in relationships to fill what is missing in my marriage and this is very dangerous.
- I am passionate and flawed and he wants simple and uncomplicated.
- I married too young and began this relationship under the wrong circumstances.
- I’ve fallen in love with someone else once already while married to him and the pain was unimaginable. I can’t go through that again but I cannot shut myself off to the emotions that come.
- I know between my career and my school I will meet other people who inspire me and empower me and I don’t think I can give up the hope there is someone better for me.
- He shouldn’t be married to someone who thinks these things. He should be married to someone who cherishes him.
- I should be married to someone who cherishes me.
- I’ve thought about my life if I just choose to give up on any sort of romance or passion, and it’s not a life I see as worth living.
- I don’t want to keep drinking every night to get through the loneliness and guilt I feel in our marriage.  I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t want to become one.
- If I don’t face this now, it will be years before I can focus on this again and I can’t wait.
- I don’t want to lose that time.
- He shouldn’t have to lose that time either.
- I’m ready to move on

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