Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Self Discovery

Jul 20, 2010
So I discovered today through thoughtful conversation with my first time ever in life appointed therapist, that I've never been permitted to really feel or process emotions. Because apparently being smart and just a little bit talented was more than "they" ever had and for that I wasn't allowed to complain or frankly ever feel sad. As I had every opportunity the world could possibly provide and any sadness was described as being a self indulgent victim.

I created a self protective duality and have replicated it throughout my last hundred years and to think, part of this self denial and solitude comes simply from them taking my brother to therapy when our family was falling apart and not including me! I didn't realize that I was jealous of the attention he got, namely because I was always told he was jealous of me. Then of course he died and history was re-written and the unhappy troubled youth - became a saint and I am just the girl who wastes her good fortune.

I've learned to put others before me not because I am giving, offer myself up as the sacraficial lamb not because I am generous and remain determined to present perfection despite the volcanoes that rumbled in my soul because it was required. Of course I have no tools for expression, no means for release, and I function right until I explode. And I've made a habit of partnering with people who prefer the function of my soul instead of the fire - because the fiery side is far too uncontrolled and burns anyone who gets too close.

And now I'm on a path, embarking on a journey to learn to harness my energies and channel them, acknowledge my fears, address the lonely girl, cherish the successful woman and meet for the first time the person who self destructs for attention. Because I am far too powerful, too capable, too good, and too kind to let the isolation of the required perfect prevent me from ever giving completely to my own success and receiving what I deserve from this beautiful life.

The road ahead is long and confusing, yet I am primed for the adventure.

- Infinite Vitality Girl 

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