Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Redefining Love


Apr 20, 2010

I've come to realize that I have a pretty obscured view of love and I'm in dire need of redefinition. I've spent the last eight years seeking affection from a man who may in fact be incapable of giving to me and was myself determined to keep giving until he changed. And yet I am probably quite likely going to repeat the behavior if I don't take a moment to stop, analyze, and revisit perspective.

This of course is due in part to a delinquent familial experience with love, where affection meant attack at every turn. "I love you" was a get out of jail free card - an excuse to say and do anything with no edit, no respect, and honesty was frequently used as a weapon. I have learned to accept some strange derivation of kindness instead of what both I and all other beings, are due. A sweet but sad little girl inside still looks at love as the perpetual search for affection, acceptance, and the far flung hope of adoration. I have learned to be very good at accepting much less than I deserve.

From what I've read as far as love goes, it's not something you should desperately seek at all costs, one shouldn't profess it often, nor expect it to be returned upon pleading. It certainly is not something that you must give totally of your self in order to achieve. Yes of course you must give a lot but there is a self in love. One absolutely cannot be routinely selfish, but a recognition of self and an acknowledgment of self worth is required. That's a pretty extraordinary concept I've stumbled upon, and not what I've lived a life believing to be true. I think that I might have had it wrong.

I look forward to learning to get it right.

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