Monday, June 21, 2010

Productive


Jun 21, 2010
I've put a lot of energy into unproductive measures these last few months, stayed up all night confused and distracted, shown up less than perfect at work, let my mind wander to useless places, spent time mulling the clearly evitable over coffee for hours, not paid attention to details, and given about 50% to what means the most to me. Of course this is to be expected as I'm going through a separation, but it's time to get back on track with myself, my values, and frankly my own personal strength. I haven't been as honest with myself as I should be. So here's 15 pieces of self directed honesty laid out there for the world to see with the hope they will drive me to a more productive few weeks.

1) I'm not as nice as I'd like people to think I am. I'm selfish, I have an ego, and I'm 90 percent sure I'm right 100% of the time. I am not apologetic for it.

2) I don't really care a whole lot about what people think of me, and frankly I've learned to live without a lot of great friends and can usually detach pretty easily when things get rough. This doesn't mean I'm a quitter, I'm just not that interested in wasting time dealing with unsolvable issues. I should probably be more loyal, but loyalty isn't something that I've ever trusted. The inevitability of betrayal by friends and family is enough for me to walk pretty easily.

3) I am as much to blame for a marriage that didn't work as he is. It's definitely a marriage that never should have started because there was too much hidden ego between the two of us, but I am equally at fault. I know I've admitted this before, but I am flat out saying - I gave up, and made choices that make going back nearly impossible. I'm OK with that and going back isn't an option, even though there is an associated emotional roller coaster with going forward.

4) I fall in love with the idea of love way too easily. I am ridiculous in my obsession with instant gratification. This is dangerous but it is also part of what makes me creative, driven, and aggressive. It also makes me a stupid girl, a blind lover, and not likely to see reality when it's looking me directly in the eyes. I don't know if there ever will be a balance and may have to live with that. It does however mean there will be a lot of happy and a lot of sad down my path.  

5) I procrastinate, BADLY and always have. The requirement to work under pressure and the last minute sprint is my favorite part but it makes life more difficult and I need to deal with this one.

6) I habitually create fantasies of opportunity and see more than exists because I see the best in the future but sometimes can be blinded by unrealistic hope. I need to be more of a pragmatist and less trusting.

7) My parents sometimes do have good advice even if it comes through a hazy shouting match of anger and resentment.

8) On that same note I wish my parents weren't so angry and resentful towards me for all my misgivings and I wish they'd shut the eff up about my years in college. Seriously GET OVER IT.

9) I don't like people who are senselessly conservative, racist, or bigotted and I am perfectly happy to be a gay loving, big industry hating, hippy dippy socialist from berkeley, even if i do hang out with a bunch of Republicans. I respect opinions, but I cannot respect racial or cultural disrespect. 

10) I never should have married a Republican who was willing to pretend he was a Democrat and then jokingly disparage my beliefs behind my back. That wasn't being true to my values and I'm done with that. (note - item 9 has nothing to do with item 10 - husband was actually pretty culturally respectful despite his Republican tendencies)

11) I do think the Europeans do it better when it comes to dealing with political leaders, fidelity, and health care and no - this does not make me un-American.

12) I'm terrified of being alone because being alone means having to hear myself and there's just too much to be afraid of when you can't put it anywhere else.

13) I really don't want to waste any more time in my life and am trying very hard to figure out what the hurdles are that are preventing me from achieving what I really want - unparalleled success.

14) I don't feel badly about thinking I can be extraordinary. I also don't want to let myself down.

15) I do kind of wish I could meet my birth mother if only to better understand the difference between nurture and nature. Is she like me? So yes, I guess I do have unresolved adoption issues. 


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