Friday, August 13, 2010

Nope - You know what, I win

Aug 13, 2010

In the last year, I've made some outstanding and extraordinary changes in my life. I decided to choose me above all else and perhaps that's selfish, self absorbed, and wrong to some - but to me it's freeing and I am not apologetic.

And now, I find myself newly faced with another reason to be distracted from my core goals, and I find myself sabotaging a productive opportunity because of a boy. I am on repeat and it's time I changed this record.  When I was in college I didn't spend a year learning a new and extraordinary language in the fabulous outskirts of Florence, because I loved a boy and clung to his world. As a young adult, I didn't fight harder at my studio job, because I loved a boy and had to plan a gratuitous wedding. As a wife, I paid his debts and ignored my own. I have done this before.

I have sought love, reaction, reflection from men to feel relevant for as long as I can remember. Perhaps it was my innate performer, or my adopted sad soul, seeking an anchor to something, but this time, I am more important than the boy. I am more important than the feelings of sadness or the feelings of temporary joy from being caressed by his affection. Confused, paralyzed, and attempting to distract myself with the turbulent emotions of which I am so familiar, heartbreak - is almost preventing me from sprinting towards this goal.

This time, I cannot stop, because failure is not an option and he is simply not more important than me.

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