OK - so I am admittedly two glasses of Illumination in (a Napa Sav Blanc), sitting on my West End sectional couch DVRing my way through a Saturday night. Grey's Anatomy - check, Private Practice - check, Friday Night Lights - check, Royal Wedding - ok let's do this.
The subject matter of everything I watched tonight (and will watch once the pompery commences) has been about strong, powerful, amazing women who are positively sidelined by the irrefutable need for motherhood. One character actually reviewed her past lovers and considered which should have been the best father, or frankly donor, to her maternal goals. At thirty-three, neck deep in business school, with a mind full of poetry and a camera full of burlesque performances, I can't help but wonder - where in the world is a baby going to fit?
Every woman, even those who are tough, aggressive and blessed with a bedazzled set of cahones, at some point wonders if - when - and how she will become a mother. I found myself reviewing my own previous candidates this evening for paternal potential. I also know that motherhood is something I hope for.
The obvious first course of discussion would be my former husband, but any reader of this blog would know precisely why that wouldn't have ever made for a functional parental scenario. My second course of thought wanders to all the creative an adventurous men I have adored..... that would, as I am reminded by my saner friends, amount to combustion. But oh, I secretly do wish..... because that child would be extraordinary! I think about the more stable types, and realize that while they might make for practical options, the conflict between adventure and required stability would always conflict. So who is gonna be my baby daddy?
The question of "can we have it all?" echos. Can we live adventure, achieve the less ordinary, and raise a family? Is there a partner out there ready and strong enough to take on said adventure, or are we best suited to go at it alone? Is single motherhood really an option?
Tomorrow morning, I hike with my dearest of confidants. Our weekly soujourn up a mountain to view the ocean from a contemplative perch always calms. Perhaps the perspective of the women I so respect will quiet this unexpectedly ticking clock.
All I can be certain of is that tonight, Saturday, home, safely tucked in with my DVR, and away from any potential confusing contributors to my aspiring maternal goals, I appreciate that my only companion will be my dreams as I sleep Naked with Chanel No: 5.