Friday, May 28, 2010

Left to lose


May 28, 2010

Janis Joplin had it right - Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.  I'm stunted this week in my ability to compose ideas, process thoughts, and understand feelings - mostly because I find myself in a transition falling out of interest from what seemed compelling and wading into the pools of waning conviction.

Grass is never greener, relationships are always a simple battle of desire for attention and withholding of affection, and as much as I'd like to be confused by this reality, I can only be conflicted by the emotions I feel. I reminded someone this week that a man will treat you as a wife how he treats you as a girlfriend and if you don't even like how he treats you as a friend, it's likely a troubled road. But one cannot review too harshly the heart, or the tethers of longing we humans feel. Because we all will repeat our pasts, and hopefully over time learn to repeat them less painfully.

The terms of some agreements have changed and anchored to grace and serenity I must move through the emotional iterations of marriage, friendship, lust, passion, hate, anger, hurt, hunger, and resignation, and know that there is peace simply in living. There is reason to feel other than just to seek pain, and there is joy in achievement, even if it is without a companion.

And the horizon is mine, the challenges are mine, and who matters today - may not in ten years, who hurts me today - will not in ten years, but the life I lead, the world I explore, the victories I craft, and the adventures I seek will be forever mine.

So there is nothing left to lose but my own way, and to a path of opportunity and unlimited adventure, I will strive to stay faithful.

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