Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Is companionship enough?

Apr 27, 2010

So yes, I've been told I'll waffle a bit through this process, and tonight marked a particularly difficult evening. You see he's finally moving out in four days and I'm so very tired of being mean. It's not in my nature, but I've become a mean person to deal with this indifference. I have to stay strong, because unless I change my pattern he won't change his. I'd like to untwist our patterns so they exist independently. He's fighting for an out and trying all the tricks to get me to break my stride. He's come at me in all his usual ways, begging, apology, anger, indifference, annoyance, rinse and repeat. He even made me yell tonight, which I am sure was satisfying to him, because at least it counted as connection, and that in fact is what we both shall miss. How very wrong our connection has always been.

I am frustrated by the reality of companionship that existed while I remained unhappily married, yet not the companionship that seems so obvious. Instead, it was easy to make friends with both women and men because quite frankly, I wasn't a threat or a legitimate option, but a simple easy gal pal or a lady to flirt with on the side. I was easy to talk to, easy to laugh with, simple to think about, catch my eye, and then release me back to my own pond. Being married seemed to have a better path to companionship of all kinds, and I may just have to relearn the ways of making all relationships.

How will the world relate to me? How will those who loved the married me, love the not so married me? I realize now, that I wrote this ending long ago. Catalysts, changes, and new waves of expression. Very little will stay the same, and with any hope, the future will bring a new bouquet of personal connections.

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