Friday, July 30, 2010

I was petrified of honesty - It usually doesn't end well.

Jul 30, 2010

Approaching any relationship with complete honesty is fundamentally terrifying because there is no guarantee that the response will be favorable. I have previously mastered the art of balancing egos, friendships, relationships, all for an unsatisfying but easily layered outcome of companionship.

I have started to chip away at the shell I've created to protect myself from confrontation and now fear in this instance of direct honesty that yesterday, I may have lost a friend.

I want to run back to him, recant my requests. Dissolve any semblance of need of requirement, erase any "me" in the circumstance. I want to tell him that whatever he wants to do is OK and that I have no expectations. I can certainly survive without his help and he can be as irrelevant to me as I seem to him. I want to take it all back and protect myself from reaching out.

But I should not, I can not. I must change my pattern and I cannot allow those in my life to dictate my own self confidence, self assurance, value, or personal strength. I cannot ascribe my fear of needed relevance onto their decision to accept or reject my true nature. Because I am not just a solid rock, I am passionate, flawed, and a gentle soul.

I am allowed to have limitations and expectations. I am allowed to receive as much as I give. I deserve the opportunity to love and protect those in my life, knowing they will do the same for me. I should certainly speak my mind, gently and respectfully, to those I love trusting that if they cannot hear me, they will know it comes from a place of kindness.

Most of all - as petrified as I am of the less than perfect conclusions that may come from true and honest direct communication, I can no longer define the results as good or bad - they are just the results and from them I will choose the next direction to proceed.

No comments:

Post a Comment