Saturday, July 31, 2010

I am shell shocked

Jul 31, 2010

I am shell shocked
there is no other description
My husband of five years
My companion for nine
Moved the first half of the rest of his belongings out of my house today

And he left behind
the things that would hurt to have
gifts from my family
sweatshirts from our country club
the monopoly game we bought together
lost in the North Georgian mountains,
leaving them for me to deal with, find places for, or throw away in my own
scarlet penance.

And as we were packing, I found a letter I wrote to him a year ago
"I have not been perfect and I am sorry for my anger. I am angry because I am alone and I need you to be more for me. Alone I cannot change the indifference of this marriage, please please please try, I don't want this to end."

And he didn't,
and he didn't think I would ever say
enough is enough
He never thought
He tried - he went to work on himself
but it was too late, I was too broken
I wrote this destiny years before, and now I live it.

We both cried today
he, sitting quietly on the patio
I, stripping pictures from silver frames
hiding in the master bedroom
and we were both weakened
because tomorrow, the truck comes
and it is finished.

So tonight I am shell shocked
because I've purchased a new bed
and moved furniture and vacuumed up memories
and found a place to keep thousands of dollars of pictures
because it's too soon to throw those away
and I don't want a divorce party

because this is not something
you can celebrate.
11:37 PM

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