Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Jul 7, 2010
The searing pain, that burns from my right toe through my leg and screeching around my eye as if it's intention is to crush the very socket, has returned.

I suppose I could have known this would soon arrive as I've awakened these last few months with numbed arms and intermittently immobile feet. I close my left eye and see the patterns of the colors as if I see the sunflowers of yellow surrounding my darkened pupil as it sits against a pale blue green sky and I wonder if my vision is temporary. When will I lose the ability to distinguish symbols at night? When will I lose the ability to feign depth perception to my unknowing colleagues? When will those who know, realize that the something else fighting inside may be just beginning to win it's battles? I had hoped for long, I could fight this. I still believe that I shall win this very personal war.  

Yes, it is stress that brings on the impending infirmity and weakness. Yes it is during those times when I am most creative, and yes it is when I am feeling the power leave from my right hand, that I want most to compose. It is as if the perpetuation of my art is limited only by the strength and durability in my soul as it fights my body against this haunting weight that remains unexplained - and my back again firecracks in pain from my hip to my skull.

I wonder if tomorrow will be the day when I cannot walk. I wonder if tomorrow will be the day when I awake and I cannot achieve the relieving pop from twisting and turning that has made movement bearable despite the cries of disgust from friends and family for all these years. I wonder if tomorrow is the day when I shall have to depend upon them again.

So I trust and pray that as I close my eyes, and as I lay me down to rest, that with me in the morning shall return all those faculties to which I am most infinitely accustomed. 

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