Thursday, April 23, 2009

blurry


Apr 23, 2009
Not simple, not easy. Nothing falls into either of those categories. I am in a relationship that confuses and complicates me. I am accustomed to a simple reflection of self in a passionate exchange yet now I find myself intertwined. My eyes are hazy and my head aches with confusion of how to proceed. The confusion is not the fault of only my marriage, but of something blurring and unexpected. 

Building a life together seems to be the next course of action, but life itself swings in a precarious balance. What kind of life would that be? A pendulum of optimism and inevitable decline? If hope is all I have to go on, then I best find inspiration each step of the way, not punishment of obligation. He should not be punished either by my obligation to survive or to thrive. He deserves a normal picket fence marriage. I can offer a picket fence, but each stake will have it's own character and story. He must be willing to learn a different story and I don't think he can. 

I find myself having to concentrate twice on the spelling of words that once were familiar and my pace has grown too aggressive. But stopping again is not an option because tomorrow it might not be my choice. I might stop suddenly and the weakening strength of my right hand might just disappear. The pain might go from annoying to impairing and I no longer choose, but the choice is left to the fates. 

The clock ticks late and I fight sleep because I know the inevitable and I am not comfortable sleeping through the moments of creativity that thrive. A newfound creativity, a refound passion, and I don't want to let go.

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