Friday, June 25, 2010

because i fall in love

Jun 25, 2010
i've had a perpetual habit of falling in love over the last twenty five or so years of my life.

It started with a boy we'll call Peter from my 4th grade class. He was adorable, and unparalleled in brains and we wanted to write a fairy tale play together. We did, and our class performed it. I'm pretty sure I was the writer, director, and played the princess in peril and he played the knight in shining armor - or whatever shiny thing we found to make look like armor. Peter gave me a bottle of perfume with an attached doll and I was certain I loved him. Then 4th grade ended, he skipped a grade, I changed schools and then moved to California two years after. I found Peter on facebook twenty years later and oddly enough, he was easy to recognize. Happily in a relationship with a wonderful woman living in Portland, Peter writes fantasy games for a well known gaming publisher.

The next love of my life was a boy named Sam. Sam and I met the first day of 7th grade and he was nice to me. New, having recently moved from the wacky state of Colorado, I was the awkward girl who had grown breasts a bit before everyone else's time. Sam was kind, he was my first friend. A few weeks later, he asked me to dance to Unchained Melody (a GHOST influenced theme song of my pre-teen years) and we were pretty much be-fri from then on. For some reason however, Sam didn't want to date me, so instead I paired up with his best friend Robert. Twenty years later, Sam and I after attempting to be more than friends a few times, settled on friendship forever and he chose a different path. Robert turned out to be gay too.

After that I fell in love my Freshman year in HS with a boy named Richard. Richard and I were in a high school musical, and precisely as illustrated by the series  found romance behind the curtains and in the darkness of a theater. The passion of creating emotions, the fluidity of song, the anonymity of costume, and the quiet of curtain call led to the most amazing young love I could imagine. And oh by the way, Richard was a great kisser. No offense Sam and Robert ;-) For transportation reasons, Richard who lived Westside, and I an Eastsider, were not meant to be. We'd cross paths for the next fifteen years, but only as friends who remembered a romance both of us were too young to understand.

And then I fell for a boy I'd known for a year and would love for a decade. Hank was everything I wanted at the time, creative, driven, confused, dangerous, passionate, and proximate. He lived around the corner and we walked and talked for years while wandering our neighborhood. Our memories are different about what went awry, but I felt I'd always play second fiddle to another addictive passion, and knew I'd do him no good. It was too passionate, too up, too down, and too much for either of us. He has since moved on to father a beautiful son and live a peaceful life with a wife who does not cause him so much turmoil. He is much better without me in his life, but for a time - he was my everything.

After that, there was my collegiate romance to a man who was much smarter than I. He was never the one because he couldn't ever be comfortable with my upbringing, but his mind was stunning, compelling, magnetic - and I craved that interaction. It made sex phenomenal and conversations dynamic. Meant to end, we broke up after two years the semester before we graduated. He too is happily married with a wonderful woman and a beautiful daughter.

Then my love life gets muddied - In short order I received three marriage proposals, lost my brother in a plane crash, and found myself in a nine year relationship which resulted in five years of awkward marriage. I craved passion to alleviate pain, I craved proximity and need to define relevance, and I felt that marriage would anchor me to the world unlike my brother who had flown without restraint.

I know I loved my husband very much. I know I wanted to give him everything I possibly could and that improving his life made me feel stronger. I know he was receptive and I know he cared for me too. But somehow in a life of tremendous love, ups and downs, and passionate emotion, I married someone who didn't ever stoke the fire in my soul nor care to do so. It was simpler to give than to receive, easier to advise than to listen, and kinder to give more than I'd get. A near decade later, I am faced with the decision that I cannot keep giving and he chooses not to want to know me more.

And stumbling again down a path of emotions, I found myself inapropriately falling for someone who would never be my anything but felt like a something while I was so unhappy in my marriage. There was a man who seemed to protect and care for me in a way that my husband simply wouldn't and the romantic high school musical dreamer in me moved onto new affections. These affections would forever be unfulfilled, albeit not unrequited and as an exercise in futility I had to evolve enough to let them go.

I've been writing this particular destiny since the day I fell in love with the nerdy boy in 4th grade.

Seeking inspiration and flame from men means that "temporary, extraordinary and intermittent" may forever be my mantra. This of course makes me sad, but at the same time - I know, I will feel the passion of falling in love many times, the fire of something new, the inspiration that echoes from romance, and while I may never feel the comfort of longevity, I will thrive in the brevity of temporary significance.

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