Saturday, April 30, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 8 - So I want to be a mother????

OK - so I am admittedly two glasses of Illumination in (a Napa Sav Blanc), sitting on my West End sectional couch DVRing my way through a Saturday night. Grey's Anatomy - check, Private Practice - check, Friday Night Lights - check, Royal Wedding - ok let's do this.

The subject matter of everything I watched tonight (and will watch once the pompery commences) has been about strong, powerful, amazing women who are positively sidelined by the irrefutable need for motherhood. One character actually reviewed her past lovers and considered which should have been the best father, or frankly donor, to her maternal goals. At thirty-three, neck deep in business school, with a mind full of poetry and a camera full of burlesque performances, I can't help but wonder - where in the world is a baby going to fit?

Every woman, even those who are tough, aggressive and blessed with a bedazzled set of cahones, at some point wonders if - when - and how she will become a mother. I found myself reviewing my own previous candidates this evening for paternal potential. I also know that motherhood is something I hope for.

The obvious first course of discussion would be my former husband, but any reader of this blog would know precisely why that wouldn't have ever made for a functional parental scenario. My second course of thought wanders to all the creative an adventurous men I have adored..... that would, as I am reminded by my saner friends, amount to combustion. But oh, I secretly do wish..... because that child would be extraordinary! I think about the more stable types, and realize that while they might make for practical options, the conflict between adventure and required stability would always conflict. So who is gonna be my baby daddy?

The question of "can we have it all?" echos. Can we live adventure, achieve the less ordinary, and raise a family? Is there a partner out there ready and strong enough to take on said adventure, or are we best suited to go at it alone? Is single motherhood really an option?

Tomorrow morning, I hike with my dearest of confidants. Our weekly soujourn up a mountain to view the ocean from a contemplative perch always calms. Perhaps the perspective of the women I so respect will quiet this unexpectedly ticking clock.

All I can be certain of is that tonight, Saturday, home, safely tucked in with my DVR, and away from any potential confusing contributors to my aspiring maternal goals, I appreciate that my only companion will be my dreams as I sleep Naked with Chanel No: 5.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 7 - The dangers of reflection

If I had a dollar for every time a man told me we were "so much alike," I would be a very wealthy woman. My economics teacher reminded our class that we are pattern-seeking, story telling animals and I must concur that we are all looking for things, experiences, and people in which we can see familiar patterns and hear stories we know. I like so many women I know, have long excelled at seeking similarity and finding identity between myself and my loves.

I've been lovingly compared to the wandering soul of the first man who asked me to marry him, considered like-minded by a paralyzed and socially awkward angry guy, breathed a similar fuel of the passionate fire-bird hell bent on destruction, floated as a hippie's ethereal lover, a conservative's tamed shrew, a musician's muse, a lofty ever flying kite, and the anchor of a foundation on which a picket fence life might be built. Just days ago, a new friend said - "It's like you see inside my soul."

So, what does that make me? What does that make any of us women who charm many, truly enchanted by only a few and reflected in all we meet? Are we fickle, chameleons, or do we simply not know who we are?

It is the greatest compliment of compliments to be told, "we are so much alike," when it is spoken by one you admire, and conversely the most profound of insults when someone you don't much care for finds you a like-minded companion. Yet somehow, we keep performing. It's an ever present need for connection, and this perhaps is not a weakness.There are some women, like myself, who at their core are the complimentary essence of the men she will love - in all their iterations. A woman who can mold into many creatures is not flawed by her flexibility.

She must however identify elements of secret personal strength, things that only she knows, and keep special those characteristics that are unchanging. Unhurt by temporary perceptions, story telling pattern seeking reflections, she can proudly inhale the perfume of her own uniqueness, and know that no matter what she reflects today, she is her own woman.

As I continue on this journey to strengthen that core essence, I am grateful to curl up safely tonight with no need to see myself in another's reflection, Naked with Chanel No 5.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 6 - I would not be young again!

I started the day with a younger version of myself on a morning mountain climb. The 22 year old iteration of me was decidedly hung over, attempted to smoke a cigarette before we embarked, carried a small bottle of water, and nearly passed out one-third of the way up my usual climb. I looked at my sweet little-sister-friend and remembered those confusing and festive days as I reached into my camel back, handed her another bottle of water and her inhaler, and suggested we sit on the rocks of the lower falls and just talk. There was no need to climb further.

I recognized the invincibility of youth and remembered the days of my twenties when after a night out in the mission, breakfast at Ghiradelli's, I hurled painfully out the side door of my best friend's car. A perfect night led to a painful morning followed by yet another perfect night. And so we bantered on about how she is an amazing, compelling, sexy, young woman with the oyster of her world awaiting, perfect - ready for the fun adventures ahead. This hangover, this hike, this morning, was just one of many, and tomorrow, or next week - she'd join me to try to climb again.

I didn't envy her youth, and while I remembered it fondly, was glad that my climbs have gone higher than they did ten years ago. I would not return to being so young if I could.

Every woman, as she gracefully counts the years from her early twenties to thirties, watches the men around her fawn over younger women, and it is terrifying. Do we become less desirable as we age? We cannot change the passing of time, the gaining of self, or the changing of our form. We are stronger, smarter, more graceful, better lovers, better friends, yet something makes us think that men will desire us less.

There is a woman in the burlesque troupe, who ageless, dances at thirty-six years old. Her wild hair and exotic eyes compel far beyond her perfect frame and carved thighs. She is not a number. She is a vision. She is perfect.

So we are reminded that while we think fondly on the exuberance of our youth, tomorrow morning we will awaken knowing precisely what we did the night before. We will open our eyes graceful, sensual, and able to climb whatever mountain we face. I loved seeing the reflection of my younger days, as I meet my adult self in the mirror as if for the first time. I wash my face, I brush my teeth, and I tuck myself soberly and safely in bed - Naked with Chanel No: 5.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 5 - Is Love an Asset or a Liability?

I sat with a friend this evening watching the sun set through rounded ominous grey clouds and a bright blue sky over the Santa Monica bay. We watched the ending colors of an Easter Vigil. She is a woman who is afraid to open up, skeptic by nature, and her conditions of being raised have made her a protective soul. My reaction to a similar upbringing was quite different in that I am perpetually open heart, seeking love at any cost, drawing in affection, and caring above all else, simply to care. We both hoped we could learn to be more like each other. I want to not fall in love with every man I kiss and thus perpetually hurt, and she dreams to be open to just the notion of love.

I wonder, as I lie here thinking back on a day that canvassed the city - an Easter brunch with new and old friends and a sunset with a woman I've known since I was 15 years old, is my loving nature an asset or a liability? The strength I use when approaching love becomes itself a weakness as I am not powerful enough to protect my own heart that I so freely give away. However to be any different seems impossible.

I don't have much to conclude this evening. All I know is that my heart beats louder than most yet is also more delicate. Tonight, I curl up quietly wondering if there will ever be another safe place for such a strong and fragile soul, Naked with Chanel No 5.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 4 - On Chemistry

In the last nine months, I have had my fair share of romantic stories and all have had different levels of impact. I am curious about exploring what each of them might have meant to me, but afraid to delve into their stories in even this anonymous space.

Perhaps I will gain the momentum and courage in later days, but for now it will suffice to say that the respectful discretion of some is the illusive denial of others, and the quieted comfort of one lover, may be the cold silence of another. There is no consistency in perception, in fact it is a chemical reaction that varies with every moment, every breath, every heartbeat and every exchange.

Tonight I discussed with friends the concept of "One-Piece". Women hope for the one love who will adore her perfect and also love her crazy. Women want for someone to love both sides of their one-piece. We all have both, complicated, crazy, and sometimes simple.

It is a matter of finding the fluid synthesis of your crazy with mine, of your perfect with mine, and learning how they might compliment in tandem the balance of perception.

Until I can find that chemistry which lacks perpetual confusion, the weighted average of our joint insanity, until our pheromones can combine without combustion, I will tuck into my crisp purple sheets with one chemical reaction that is consistent, calming, and quietly compelling, Naked with Chanel No 5.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 3 - One Piece

This afternoon I found my way to a pool and free-styled twenty laps. Not much, compared to my normal length of exercise, but a lot compared to what I've done these last few months. As the sinewy fibers of my shoulders connected with my arms, pulled on my spine, and the fluttering of my feet rotated my torso, my thoughts flowed with the pattern of my flip turns, I was wholly connected - one piece.

Today, no less than fifteen times I was asked - "How are you?" a greeting from friends, strangers, to which I always answered cheerfully "I'm great, and you?" because fundamentally, in comparison to some, I am great. But my body aches still battling from the trauma of an accident, my mind hurts after a day's worth of thinking, my heart breaks for all that I have lost, and I am a bit afraid of tomorrow - but likely strong enough to get through it. To some I am great, but all of me is not quite great, all of me that comes in one-piece.

We are compartmentalized into just our ideas, our jobs, our accomplishments, our bodies, our minds, and not often considered whole beings. Last night I watched the burgeouning burlesque dancers carefully don their bedazzled attire, hiding behind perfect masquerade lips and eyes, and it seemed a perfect metaphor for all the pieces we cover up. Yet every one of those women has a whole being, a soul, and her body is the vessel that carries her all together in one-piece.

My body is my mind. It is not just a tangible curving figure to be taken. The two are carefully combined into my being, my soul, my essence, me. I must rest all parts of me, and reflect on not just what some parts need for the moment, but instead all those as they sum into one-piece.

And tomorrow, I will rise achey from my swim and ready for a hike with a friend, but tonight I wrap myself in the safe solitude of alone, Naked with Chanel No 5.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 2 - A day without flirting?!?!

I'll start I suppose with a Day without Flirting. Now that by itself wouldn't be so hard for a lot of people, but I am a producer living in Santa Monica, who is currently developing a series about a burgeoning burlesque troupe. I live in a heightened sensual world and am constantly watching and testing the powers of flirtation for both men and women. We all dance together in a strange choreography, and I'd like to step out of the theater for a short while. Oh to not flirt.... with anyone. This is gonna be tough.

"Why?" one might ask, would I stop from that very basic and easy interaction. Simply put - for me.... at least lately, there is no innocent flirting. It leads pretty quickly down a road to ridiculous heartbreak or unnecessary confusion. Why just yesterday I called to tell a friend, whom of course I have flirted with, that I was off men for forty days and found myself planning a tropical Mai Thai required bikini optional vacation with him on day 41. So it must be cold turkey I think in order to better understand just what the power of flirting is, can be, and should be for me.

I'll tell you though - between texts, emails, social networking games, skype, you name it - It's pretty damn hard not to flirt! AND Tonight I go to shoot a burlesque performance at a masquerade ball and I am not entirely sure how I might get through a night without flirting. Wish me luck because at the end of the night I am determined to end up at home, alone, naked with Chanel No 5.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Naked with Chanel No 5: Day 1 - No Men for 40 Days!

So it's a post lent fast. My version - which is a bit like abstaining from chocolate or swearing, which frankly I could likely never do. Instead, I will choose to abstain from that which makes me both weakest and strongest. Over the next forty days, I am committed to abandoning the crazy, avoiding the needy, dancing away from the hurtful, and instead focusing on the true inner sexy, sensual, powerful, and passionate that is my inner woman.

Put simply, I am swearing off men for a very short time period, which will inevitably feel long, and embracing all that makes me sexy, makes me feminine, and makes strong. So today - I started with a meticulous Brazilian wax performed by the incomparable 64 year old Ukranian Rudi, a manicure, and donned a fabulous gown (that's totally not designer, but fakes it) at a fancy black tie event. My sun spun curls and blue eyes, lined with perfect charcoal from Val at Neimans, enchanted just a bit.

It's going to be difficult, not being seductive - perhaps just to my self. But for the next forty days, I am going to explore the scents of femininity, the way a perfect dress feels, the power from a fabulous set of heels, and the touch of my own skin as it shines with a perfectly applied bronzer. I will not get sexy for a man, I will not try to gain attention from the inevitably crazy, broken, confused audience I have thus far enchanted. Instead - I will catch my own eye, and determine what I need, what I want, and what makes me sexy - naked with Chanel No. 5

Monday, April 18, 2011

Good Things

Promises to myself:

I will only surround myself with the good things.
I will not allow negative people or circumstances into my life.
I will seek positive situations, encouraging friends, and healthy challenges.
I will not spend any more time on things that hurt.

I will climb higher, live fuller, experience more and achieve.
I will love again.
I will be loved.

I will safely reach the stars.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Six years

Six years ago today, I went for a walk on the beach in the morning with my best friend
We saw dolphins and a perfect blue and pink sunrise. A little girl embarked on an adventure.

And then I collected all my best friends and escorted them them to hair and makeup and because my parents were not sure they were sufficiently pretty to stand on an altar and so they sat, coiffed.

I donned a designer white dress, with a perfect pink bow and was told it seemed I'd gained weight since last my mother saw me in it. My best friend held me up as her comments cut me knee first. And our makeup artist planned her report to the other Pasadeneans.

And enroute, I started to panic and my man of honor and my big sister said, let's go around the block to the fellow behind the wheel of the massive black chariot, one last time. I inhaled and proceeded. I thought I was afraid of the day's performance.

I listened for a trumpet, I walked down an aisle, I wanted so much for forever. I promised to give endlessly, to love completely, and knew though I would receive only some of what I could give, was satisfied with being his rock. I would help him grow, and nurture myself too. Together we would blossom.

And the sunset on a 250 person dinner on the beach, and all I wanted to do was adventure with my new life's partner and best friend. And all I wanted was to make forever a journey in tandem.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Oh the vitamin B!

I desperately need to force myself to sleep, but today was filled with far too much diverse activity. I may have lived a week in a day, which I suppose is making up for lost time - when my brain was all scrambled. But this new kite analogy is really working for me - and I think its maybe a song, or maybe a series. Getting comfortable with my need to fly and knowing that I need a partner in flight and can never promise to anchor is terrifying and so goddamn liberating. Maybe I am ready to take some great big strides!!! Or maybe, I just need to take a little less vitamin B.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

In Tandem, A Haiku

Apr 14, 2011

You need an anchor
Something safe to hold you down
and I am a kite.


Ready to crush pavement again with my sandy shoes. I need to move.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tomorrow must get easier

So we agreed no more
Because you are broken and so am I
and neither of us are fit for dating

And 63 dollars
of self bought flowers
from trader joe's
and a perfectly clean apartment
the day before Alicia comes to clean
a bottle of wine
and procrastinated homework
a freshly painted scene
from my last European trip

and there is nothing
i can think of

except you
except why not
and maybe just quietly
hope for the when.

we were perfectly

but you've told me not to
you've sent me away
because all this passion
is far too much

and you want an anchor
and I will always be a kite.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Tonight I Read Again

Tonight I read again my own words of wisdom.

I remember the night I warned myself of a perpetually drowning truth, and aimlessly attempted to abandon the little girl inside. I strum again the painful hearstrings of a catalyst, and re-read my list of the hundreds of reasons my marriage could not work and the hundreds of reasons it should have. I remember the day I was a she-wolf, leading her pack, accepting no shouts against my own mastery, and the day I admitted I am not my mother's daughter. And all those pained, passionate, strong, and hungry words, wound together in a tight dream catcher of protection, have not kept away the pain of night.

And I wish that all I could imagine, and I wish that all I could hope for could someday be stronger than all I have lost, all I have loved in vain, all I have given away and all whom I miss. Because while I am a master of words, a teller or tales, a giver of hope, and a translator of pain, I still cannot protect my own heart.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I will always be honest

I will always be honest
I will always lay my heart on your line

There is no hesitation
when it comes to my emotion

So be careful with this heart
protect her delicate beats

Because I will fall in love
with you

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Dissatisfactory Current

The sapphire blue of her eyes peer out through clouded gray frustration, squinting at a new day and a rising sun. Sleep was not rest as and the dreams were a dance through the missteps of her past. Yet she is determined to rise out of the dis-satisfactory current that has kept her paddling upstream yet never reaching the shore nor drowning her entirely for this last decade. Sand perpetually between her toes, she reads the ship-wrecked sea weed like tea leaves hoping for guidance, wanting direction, wanting love, and knowing her true purpose exists if only she can understand what the sea's foam writing is telling her.

And so she listens to her self made internet radio portal, laptop upon her knees, looking for a spoon of inspiration with which she might stir a new tide. It comes in the form of Halleluja and a text from an unexpected friend, reminding her that today's destiny is just one page. In fact the patterns of the waves that she watches today are different then those she will witness tomorrow. Her keystrokes accompany the rhythm of the eukaleli in Somewhere Over the Rainbow and she inhales deeply with each sighing exhale of the ocean.

Because today's dissatisfactory current will leave the sea weed tea leaves that explain tomorrow's adventure and be but a forgotten page soon enough.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

This Rise

I will not fight to be in the cat bird seat of your aviary I will not beg for your attention or this connection any longer. Truth of the matter is, I don't have to. Not from you, not from anyone. I do not ever spend a day alone. To others I am drawn, and to me they are infinitely magneted. And like most everyone I've met, I'm awesome. Unique, beautiful, compelled, and powerful. I inspire people. I love people. I give to people. So if you are not yet ready to give to me, that's cool. We are all only as limited as we choose to be. I'm done hoping for a better result, or the ability to change the direction of a locomotive.

All I can do, is rise and shine! And at some point when I am sun kissed by my most recent mountain climb I will find a partner in stride.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Any musicians want to help me build on this?

So terrified I open up this door
To something I have not had much before
It's painful cuz its something new
And I might fall in love with you
But I need this and you do to

Friday, April 1, 2011

So did I make you crazy?

This one is not a particularly deep thought kind of poem
In fact it's pretty simple

So did I make you crazy, or were you that way to start?

How am I the magnet, for all men like you
who are temporarily lost, confused, and needing?

How am I the magnet for your most simple and guttural fantasies?

And why am I always your escape hatch?

Because, as much as you'd like to think this is about just you,
It's about you times four.

This pattern is mine.

Like a floating curtain in a tropical breeze,
you duck into the folds of my emotion
escaping, elevating, intuiting

And then you wake up.

And I was a vacation.

So please, tell me
did I make you crazy, or were you that way to start?

And which is worse?