Saturday, July 31, 2010

I am shell shocked


Jul 31, 2010

I am shell shocked
there is no other description
My husband of five years
My companion for nine
Moved the first half of the rest of his belongings out of my house today

And he left behind
the things that would hurt to have
gifts from my family
sweatshirts from our country club
the monopoly game we bought together
lost in the North Georgian mountains,
leaving them for me to deal with, find places for, or throw away in my own
scarlet penance.

And as we were packing, I found a letter I wrote to him a year ago
"I have not been perfect and I am sorry for my anger. I am angry because I am alone and I need you to be more for me. Alone I cannot change the indifference of this marriage, please please please try, I don't want this to end."

And he didn't,
and he didn't think I would ever say
enough is enough
He never thought
He tried - he went to work on himself
but it was too late, I was too broken
I wrote this destiny years before, and now I live it.

We both cried today
he, sitting quietly on the patio
I, stripping pictures from silver frames
hiding in the master bedroom
and we were both weakened
because tomorrow, the truck comes
and it is finished.

So tonight I am shell shocked
because I've purchased a new bed
and moved furniture and vacuumed up memories
and found a place to keep thousands of dollars of pictures
because it's too soon to throw those away
and I don't want a divorce party

because this is not something
you can celebrate.
11:37 PM

Friday, July 30, 2010

I was petrified of honesty - It usually doesn't end well.


Jul 30, 2010

Approaching any relationship with complete honesty is fundamentally terrifying because there is no guarantee that the response will be favorable. I have previously mastered the art of balancing egos, friendships, relationships, all for an unsatisfying but easily layered outcome of companionship.

I have started to chip away at the shell I've created to protect myself from confrontation and now fear in this instance of direct honesty that yesterday, I may have lost a friend.

I want to run back to him, recant my requests. Dissolve any semblance of need of requirement, erase any "me" in the circumstance. I want to tell him that whatever he wants to do is OK and that I have no expectations. I can certainly survive without his help and he can be as irrelevant to me as I seem to him. I want to take it all back and protect myself from reaching out.

But I should not, I can not. I must change my pattern and I cannot allow those in my life to dictate my own self confidence, self assurance, value, or personal strength. I cannot ascribe my fear of needed relevance onto their decision to accept or reject my true nature. Because I am not just a solid rock, I am passionate, flawed, and a gentle soul.

I am allowed to have limitations and expectations. I am allowed to receive as much as I give. I deserve the opportunity to love and protect those in my life, knowing they will do the same for me. I should certainly speak my mind, gently and respectfully, to those I love trusting that if they cannot hear me, they will know it comes from a place of kindness.

Most of all - as petrified as I am of the less than perfect conclusions that may come from true and honest direct communication, I can no longer define the results as good or bad - they are just the results and from them I will choose the next direction to proceed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Rising Tide


Jul 29, 2010

Sand anchored between my toes
after days of walking alongside the water
with all of you repeating in my mind.

I've watched the waves retreat
releasing
their generous grasping of my ankles
and "who I am to you" has
grown irrelevant.

It is instead more pertinent to ask
Who am I to me?
and how will that woman
choose to live her next decades?

Who am I to me?
and where will I wander next
on my own volition
not driven by anyone else's train of thought

How will the woman I am
the woman I want to be
the woman I deserve to be
approach her next love affair
her next painful failure
her next insurmountable hill and
her next great success?

and those are the questions
the self exploration
the adventure on a path I now embark.

I no longer will wonder
who I am to you
to all of you

I now define who I am to me
as I walk along the water
enchanted by this rising tide.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Trust


Jul 27, 2010

I trust in myself
that I have the strength
to do this differently

I trust in myself that this time
I can be true to my soul
and be there for someone
because for the first time in life
my self and I are acquainted

I don't need to be needed anymore
but that doesn't change that I want to help
and therein lies the balance between
giving to love and not giving to need

I trust that you don't need my support
but I trust that you can take it
I trust that you will be fine
I'd like to offer whatever you need
to find better than just fine

You will seek your own haven
and until you've found solid ground
know you can rest safely upon mine.

We have both outgrown the temporary
the fairy tales,
and into the reality of circumstance
we embark.

We will put certain stories
now forever to rest
because we both need something more.

If you ever need anything
know that I will always give to you
unconditionally.

When you need someone
to trust know that I will always love you
unconditionally

And if you do not choose
my help today or tomorrow
trust that I will understand
and I am always here for you
unconditionally. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sleep Walking


She inhales and her eyes widen slightly to the wafting smells of green tea. So much less satisfying than coffee, but she's committed to detoxing after last night's over indulgence in burgers and beer. Approaching the morning with vigor is certainly challenging. But she's ready to present, ready to try, and ready most of all to turn ideas into reality, and hopes into success. Because at the beginning of every long road there is trepidation and at the beginning of all hills, the first step must be taken, and so with sleepy brown blue green eyes, perfect hair,  fitting green dress, and a slowly growing source of energy - she picks up her perfectly appointed pink leather briefcase and steps into her day, leopard print heels first.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Self Discovery


Jul 20, 2010
So I discovered today through thoughtful conversation with my first time ever in life appointed therapist, that I've never been permitted to really feel or process emotions. Because apparently being smart and just a little bit talented was more than "they" ever had and for that I wasn't allowed to complain or frankly ever feel sad. As I had every opportunity the world could possibly provide and any sadness was described as being a self indulgent victim.

I created a self protective duality and have replicated it throughout my last hundred years and to think, part of this self denial and solitude comes simply from them taking my brother to therapy when our family was falling apart and not including me! I didn't realize that I was jealous of the attention he got, namely because I was always told he was jealous of me. Then of course he died and history was re-written and the unhappy troubled youth - became a saint and I am just the girl who wastes her good fortune.

I've learned to put others before me not because I am giving, offer myself up as the sacraficial lamb not because I am generous and remain determined to present perfection despite the volcanoes that rumbled in my soul because it was required. Of course I have no tools for expression, no means for release, and I function right until I explode. And I've made a habit of partnering with people who prefer the function of my soul instead of the fire - because the fiery side is far too uncontrolled and burns anyone who gets too close.

And now I'm on a path, embarking on a journey to learn to harness my energies and channel them, acknowledge my fears, address the lonely girl, cherish the successful woman and meet for the first time the person who self destructs for attention. Because I am far too powerful, too capable, too good, and too kind to let the isolation of the required perfect prevent me from ever giving completely to my own success and receiving what I deserve from this beautiful life.

The road ahead is long and confusing, yet I am primed for the adventure.

- Infinite Vitality Girl 



I won't pretend


Jul 20, 2010
hearing your voice while I'm driving in my car
miles away you've never felt so far

and it was history you were trying to redefine
in the sand you drew a line
blaming this on my circumstance
detached before we ever had a chance

but I won't pretend that I'm just crazy
 had no reason to feel this way.
Because we both know
You want some of me too
this compels you, inspires you
and you know you feel the way I do.

and I'm not alone, even though
I have learned to feel that way
assuming blame and shame
releasing those around me
from responsibility.

But this time I am holding my head up high

because I know you were feeling it too
redefined and it scared you
Yes it hurts my soul but then
we'll try to redefine again

but I won't pretend that I'm just crazy
 had no reason to feel this way.
Because we both know
You want some of me too
this compells you, inspires you
and you know you feel the way I do.

so tonight I'm going to close my eyes
and drift into a dream
remembering the way it felt wrapped in your arms
seduced by your charms
when we were more than friends

tomorrow I'm going step into the sunshine
feel the power that is mine
and walk ahead into a brand new place
with grace
because that history is real
and I know what it made you feel

but I won't pretend that I'm just crazy
 had no reason to feel this way.
Because we both know
You want some of me too
this compels you, inspires you
and you know you feel the way I do.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Drawing Lines


Jul 19, 2010
I trace these lines you've drawn
and re-view the boundaries as suggestions
because neither you nor I are good
at playing by the rules

yet this time it's different
because when I've tried before to walk away
sheer magnetic forces pulled me back
but now, you're setting the limits
which seems unfair

and yes there is pain in what feels like finality
but I know that this is better faced now
than down the road when it deepens
because it would, at least for me

and when two bodies collide
there is inevitable destruction
and I do not choose
to destroy my self or my worth

and while in the temporary
this collaboration felt genius,
you are determined it will fail
and I cannot battle your limits

so I will move on carefully
and I will be gentle with my soul

because missteps are not mistakes
and from the path we've tread,
we must learn.



Friday, July 16, 2010

In Time


Jul 16, 2010
In time, we will learn to be friends
but today we are still tied by overriding emotions.

In time, we will learn to be near each other
without our breath becoming rapid with intensity.

In time, I will choose to remain afar
and you will choose to permanently disengage.

In time, this will not be so confusing
and eventually we will both find peace.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Solace


Jul 14, 2010
There is no solace like that found in the eyes of a dear friend
with understanding and gentle respect
she listens

and i wish i could listen for her as she does for me
i wish i could carry the same insightful reflection
to the conversations

but she is unflappable, unparalleled and gentle
guiding me to conclusions
allowing me to choose

there is no solace like that found in the eyes of a dear friend

With sweat: A Haiku


Jul 14, 2010
With sweat she will ease
the ache of her young body
level ten release

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Almost


Jul 13, 2010
I almost fell out of love with you tonight
in the warm summer air
The music resonated with every note
and love's french passion filled the night's sky

I felt the stanzas of pain, love,
passion, ecstasy, and remorse
as the chamber performed La Mer

I almost fell out of love with you tonight
remembering an eve just years ago
when two couples
sat side by side
falling out of love together

The crickets danced
upon the melody of a night's song
and the conductor instructed
the musicians through their romantic journey

You held her hand and I rested against his
Knowing that a painful ache
would rise again within my heart
and I fell out of love then

But tonight, years later
You are not mine to love
and he is a memory I couldn't revive
You are not mine to want
because you are afraid
and I am clear

And I have been too direct
that I may regret
but my honesty remarks me
and with you it is untamed

and I almost fell out of love tonight
and I am close, but not there yet 

We must evolve


Jul 13, 2010
A reminder to my soul
You must evolve
A reminder to my heart
You will restart
A reminder to my pride
You will find new stride

Destruction begets destruction
and of it all, you must release
Move on, move up and achieve
With success, you will find peace

And repetition of mistakes
is a gentle inevitability
but over time you will learn anew
and from missteps, you can be free

You are not owned by your past
instead by what you will create
the path ahead is yours alone
and upon it you shall re-invigorate



Monday, July 12, 2010

Live: A Haiku


Jul 12, 2010
Live music inspires
a temporary release
from that which we fear

Thursday, July 8, 2010

With the waves she rises


Jul 8, 2010
With the angry grey waves that pound the sand
from a recycled ocean of perpetual emotion
she rises
strong, bruised, and fluid
they move together through the morning stretches
releasing the sinews of seaweed
that paralyze muscles and perpetuate fear
and she's stronger for her strokes
wiser for her reefs
upon which broken shells
become life
and grateful for the secret and infinite vitality
beneath its cresting waves

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Excrutiating


Jul 7, 2010
The searing pain, that burns from my right toe through my leg and screeching around my eye as if it's intention is to crush the very socket, has returned.

I suppose I could have known this would soon arrive as I've awakened these last few months with numbed arms and intermittently immobile feet. I close my left eye and see the patterns of the colors as if I see the sunflowers of yellow surrounding my darkened pupil as it sits against a pale blue green sky and I wonder if my vision is temporary. When will I lose the ability to distinguish symbols at night? When will I lose the ability to feign depth perception to my unknowing colleagues? When will those who know, realize that the something else fighting inside may be just beginning to win it's battles? I had hoped for long, I could fight this. I still believe that I shall win this very personal war.  

Yes, it is stress that brings on the impending infirmity and weakness. Yes it is during those times when I am most creative, and yes it is when I am feeling the power leave from my right hand, that I want most to compose. It is as if the perpetuation of my art is limited only by the strength and durability in my soul as it fights my body against this haunting weight that remains unexplained - and my back again firecracks in pain from my hip to my skull.

I wonder if tomorrow will be the day when I cannot walk. I wonder if tomorrow will be the day when I awake and I cannot achieve the relieving pop from twisting and turning that has made movement bearable despite the cries of disgust from friends and family for all these years. I wonder if tomorrow is the day when I shall have to depend upon them again.

So I trust and pray that as I close my eyes, and as I lay me down to rest, that with me in the morning shall return all those faculties to which I am most infinitely accustomed. 


my weakness makes you seem stronger


Jul 7, 2010
i know my weakness makes you seem stronger
and i've decided against embracing this
yes i will be sad
and yes i will be depressed

but a prolonged depression only renders what we went through irrelevant
and i am stronger than this

we did not work
 not because i am crazy, creative, and compelled
we did not work because you were indifferent and i was alone

we did not work
 not because i couldn't conform to your standards
we did not work because you required me to conform to the substandard

and as dark as i may go
because i am sad for what i lost
and as dark as i may feel
 because i am alone for the first time

this is not why
and you cannot use this
and you cannot pretend
that this sadness was already there
before you broke my heart.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Learning to Stand


Jul 6, 2010
I know how to run
running in the middle of the night on a deserted beach to destinations unknown.

I know how to run
until I am sweaty, exhausted and unable to do myself further harm

I know how to walk away
away from what is hurting with strength in my stride towards that which feels better,

but I do not know how to stand still

and when I find a ground on which my feet can rest
and when I find a patch of land that doesn't make me want to sprint
and when I find peace in my footing

then i will no longer be afraid to stand on my own.

Monday, July 5, 2010

can i take it all back - A Haiku


Jul 5, 2010
may i take it back
can i erase and start new
because i miss him