Friday, April 30, 2010

Emma's Story


Mar 30, 2010
Emma sat flicking the edge of her coffee cup with her left index finger. Her nail, polished and long reflected elegance that she presented to the world but a small chip in her manicure was evident. Her wedding ring sparkled in the artificial light and she bit her lower lip remembering with a painful smile a moment she wished she could forget.

He'd just left their breakfast meeting, which she arranged for the purpose of saying farewell and let's be friends, and she felt hollow. No with a smile is the only way she could allow herself to feel . No was the only thing, the only right choice, and the only option. She had misread even her own intentions believing she was strong enough now. She realized that the love she felt was truly one-sided in a less than romantic and painful affair she was on the cusp of beginning. He had fallen prey to her effective seductive reasoning and even though she'd attempted to avoid it, found herself in his embrace for a second time. Almost a year had passed since their first unintended kiss and she thought that it truly had ended, or at least he was strong enough to keep her at bay. She hadn't really even flirted that evening, even went far to the contrary, but cocktails had accomplished all the convincing needed to make bad decisions. A moment as she stood with keys in hand and everything changed. Emma had driven home flushed with the glow of a woman who'd felt something different and pale with the fear of what had just been unleashed. That was just over two weeks ago.

He had been gracious, understanding, and respectful. He hadn't fought for her, or begged her to keep him in her life, he's just said "Roger That", as if he expected this outcome all along and had waited patiently for her to come to the same conclusion. She felt played, and was shocked to feel that way. In all her single years and romantic endeavors, she'd never been treated like a toy and this was an unexpected first.

"What would I lose, what could I lose, what should I lose to keep this fantasy, this stupid obsession, this ridiculous perforation of reality alive in my mind," she thought as she stood to leave the overly chipper breakfast joint.

The arc of emotions over the last 17 days had been exhausting. She'd accomplished a monumental sale for her burgeoning media consulting business, been asked to be on the board of directors at an auspicious Think Tank, ran her 6th marathon, and had some very intense fights with her husband of nearly 7 years (together for 10.) She had married young, in a different state of mind, and fell into a pattern with a man she probably wouldn't now choose but hindsight is 20/20 and she'd made the decision not the be "that woman" if she could.

She approached her car, keys in hand, and had another painful flash memory of that night. Frankly even she was surprised by how limber she suddenly had become. Happily distracted by the ringing of her phone she tapped her earpiece.

"This is Emma. Oh hang-on - blue tooth's not picking up"

Fumbling with her keys and digging into her soon to be seasonally inappropriate winter bag, she found her iPhone and was a little taken aback to see who was calling. 

"Hi Mom"

"Emma, you need to schedule dinner with your father and I. We have news to share, and I don't want to worry you, so here it is. Your father is retiring and he wants to tell you in person. You are impossible to schedule anything with, so I wanted to make sure you know to answer his call, schedule a dinner, and bring Kurt."

Emma breathed a small sigh of relief realizing there was absolutely no way her mother could possibly have known what she was thinking about and agreed to set the dinner promptly. It was a welcome surprise to learn that her father, who had managed M&A investments for over 40 years was finally going to retire. He, at last, was ready to take his three heart by-passes on a much needed vacation to the beach house.
 ###
Dinner came two night's later and somehow Emma had managed to avoid texting, emailing, calling, and even the unnecessary e-creeping for an entire 48 hours. It honestly nearly broke her heart, an emotion she again was unfamiliar with. She was the heart breaker. She'd put her remaining energies into planning a shower for her good friend's wedding and a bachelorette party for her college roommate. Tasks she found both ironic and comforting, as if the very act of supporting a new marriage would in fact heal her own.

Kurt had picked her up from the office so they could arrive at the club together, and their conversation was friendly, sweet, some might even say loving. Kurt had been having the very best sex of his life thanks to his wife's new found insatiable appetite. All sorts of adventurous and acrobatic evenings had transpired lately. Emma of course was trying to quiet a wandering mind by replacing a memory with new ones. It wasn't working and while he was quite happy, she was still trying to re-create a feeling that may have never been there.

Dinner began with the customary glasses of wine, and obligatory small talk. Kurt shared that his company was sending him to Thailand for a few weeks towards the end of the spring. Everyone agreed that Emma should meet him for a week or so. Her father made his announcement and her mother looked on approvingly. What surprised her the most about the meal was his first time ever in her life - emphatic encouragement that she and Kurt look to conceive a child.

"There is nothing better for a marriage and you two have been together long enough that clearly it's going to work out. You will get such joy out of being parents and I'm not putting pressure on you, but you really should think about it."

"Scott, we have been waiting for the right time, but you are right, there will never be a perfect time. We'll definitely think about it!" Kurt's eyes sparkled at the thought of being a father, and she winced through pearly whites.

Emma's third glass of wine was enough to calm her for the ride home and she engaged in enthusiastic banter about her father's dance with mortality and need for a new hobby. He'd even offered to help with his yet to be conceived grandchild. What Emma hadn't told either her husband or her father was that she'd been off the pill for over two years and according to her own doctor, there was nothing technically stopping conception, except perhaps god.
###

The next morning her coffee couldn't be strong enough and the nausea was almost collegiate in it's enthusiasm. Kurt dropped her off for work and she closed her door immediately to "make some calls". It was noon before she was feeling better. A quick look at her calendar reminded her that she was likely a bit pre-menstral.

Unfortunately, Emma was faced with seeing him again as they were still working on a project together. She hated that she was hung over and hoped he'd re-schedule. She ignored the red light on her office line hoping he'd find her lack of reply sufficiently off-putting. The meeting was uneventful, as there were eight other attendees. While she negotiated better terms for the agreement, he looked at her with the ice blue eyes she'd fallen in love with pretty much the moment they met. She trembled a bit on the inside, and it was over in an hour. That evening while driving home, she cried for the first time in a while. Really really cried.
### 

The morning came with a reiteration of the hangover from the day prior. She could certainly blame the two glasses of wine and medicinal calming assistance from her hippy cousin in Santa Cruz, but something was different. Dread began at 6 AM as she struggled through her first post marathon spin class. She looked in the mirror as she rode sweaty and dizzy, staring into her own blue eyes.

The test was positive, or Pregnant, as they now stated clearly in electronic defiance of confusion. She'd only bought one this time, unlike all the other times she'd purchased 5 to be sure. She walked out to her car and sat quietly listening to the music of her own heartbeat and remembering in a full flood of images the night that transpired in the roomy back seat of her Audi SUV. She hadn't even thought about protection. Married girls don't.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

140 Characters or Less


Apr 29, 2010
She met him one morning while lying in bed waiting to hear about the weather.

He came on television and announced that he was reporting live from not much of anything at all and smiled. She had coffee with him nearly every morning for a few years and she got to know him. An early riser, she usually was up by the time he was making his second appearance on the morning news. He loved dogs and animals of all sorts because he smiled brightly whenever reporting on them. He clearly wasn't always well rested and there were days she knew he'd rather be in bed.

She wondered if he was a night owl too, she wasn't much of a sleeper. What a terrible job for a night owl indeed! Some days he had great info and was aggressively pursuing stories that mattered. He was passionate and dedicated when reporting on the fires in Los Angeles and she did worry about him which felt odd.  He was educated and well spoken and the sort of fellow that a woman could certainly have lots of conversations with. He seemed ageless to her or perhaps just stuck in his early 40s.

She joked with her girlfriends every morning about all his random locations, some they couldn't be sure they could identify on a map, and it became a part of her daily life. Where in the World is our Favorite Reporter became a question that required an answer prior to embarking on the morning's walk, run, or spin class. Such odd familiarity they had with their favorite morning news reporter when he knew nothing of their lives at all.

He had made her laugh that week when rushing to report on something that turned out to be nothing at all. There had been an earthquake that morning and due to pre-exisitng freeway construction, there was some misunderstanding that a collapse had occurred. After confirming with the Cal Trans workers they'd been there for days, he humbly announced, OK so this is journalism 101. You follow a lead and it doesn't always take you where you planned to go. She wondered where he had studied Journalism 101. She had taken that particular class  her freshman year at Berkeley and received an A. 

A few days later, she re-tweeted his morning comment

RT @MorningLAReporter #LAX: Dept. of Homeland Security confims man who breached security made an "innocent mistake" and was NOT taken into custody

And then she playfully added her own note about their fascination with his daily region wide pilgrimage to the most odd of locations.

@MorningLAReporter my workout girls and i luv 2 play where in the world is MorningLaReporter every morning!! Have fun at LAX!

And he replied to her directly! http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vdHdpdHRlci5jb20vc3VtbWVyc21ja2F5L3N0YXR1cy8xMTgyMTU5ODk4MA==

DM - thanks @SunShineGirl! wouldn't it be awesome if it would be hawaii and not hawaiian gardens near south la?! c u tomorrow!

DM - @MorningLAReporter well you are at LAX! Dont u ever want to just hop on a flight and go somewhere? do u have your passport on hnd?

DM - @SunShineGirl don't tempt me. never been to tahiti!

Neither had she.

That's how it began. What on earth compelled him to respond, she'd never know. But in 140 characters or less - they began a daily discourse that would take them both on a journey they'd never thought possible.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Is companionship enough?


Apr 27, 2010

So yes, I've been told I'll waffle a bit through this process, and tonight marked a particularly difficult evening. You see he's finally moving out in four days and I'm so very tired of being mean. It's not in my nature, but I've become a mean person to deal with this indifference. I have to stay strong, because unless I change my pattern he won't change his. I'd like to untwist our patterns so they exist independently. He's fighting for an out and trying all the tricks to get me to break my stride. He's come at me in all his usual ways, begging, apology, anger, indifference, annoyance, rinse and repeat. He even made me yell tonight, which I am sure was satisfying to him, because at least it counted as connection, and that in fact is what we both shall miss. How very wrong our connection has always been.

I am frustrated by the reality of companionship that existed while I remained unhappily married, yet not the companionship that seems so obvious. Instead, it was easy to make friends with both women and men because quite frankly, I wasn't a threat or a legitimate option, but a simple easy gal pal or a lady to flirt with on the side. I was easy to talk to, easy to laugh with, simple to think about, catch my eye, and then release me back to my own pond. Being married seemed to have a better path to companionship of all kinds, and I may just have to relearn the ways of making all relationships.

How will the world relate to me? How will those who loved the married me, love the not so married me? I realize now, that I wrote this ending long ago. Catalysts, changes, and new waves of expression. Very little will stay the same, and with any hope, the future will bring a new bouquet of personal connections.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Social Paralysis Rant


Apr 26, 2010
So I want to go to an event where my "spouse" has already claimed territory and I find myself guilt-ed into not wanting to go, and then I realize that I am only guilt-ed into not wanting to go because of the same overtly stupid subservient reasons I am ending the relationship. I feel like if I go, I'll be stuck being his "wife" all night because god forbid he introduce me as anything other than his damn arm candy, and I hate hate hate hate the word "wife".

Of course I am also afraid to attend because he's claimed the territory as his own, but then again he claims all the territory including my territory, my friends, my life, my family, my money, and my world. So I suppose it's no great surprise I am paralyzed when needing to step forward.

So with a deep breath, and the promise of a mostly vodka and a wee bit of soda and lime, I am off to reclaim my own territory, my own self, and my right to have an ego.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

When


Apr 22, 2010

When you were describing what happened with your last girlfriend, it was like looking in a slightly warped mirror. There was a person you'd been waiting years to date and suddenly circumstances made it possible, but the reality of life made it improbable. She pushed you away because of issues she was dealing with and it was easy to internalize it, but cruel timing, expectations, and circumstance dictated that it wasn't meant to be. It's lack of conclusion and unfulfilled resolution was excruciating.

Yeah - I get that.

When I said, you have been more of a husband to me than he was, what I really wanted you to hear is that you've been more of what I should hope for. You gave me friendship, warmth, creative inspiration, generosity of self, and just plain human caring. You made me want to share back not because of some artificial obligation, but because of a natural desire to be someone's partner. Without meaning to, you helped me realize that at the very least a relationship should have these elements. It's a bit hard for even me to believe that my own marriage had almost none of that and I was replacing what I needed with the friendship of others, sometimes blurring those relationship lines.

So - How do I move on from here to there?

When I told you how I felt, you've never responded in a way that should make me believe you feel the same. You have almost always been very clear with me. Even though you keep half your words inside, what you do say is abundantly direct. You don't need to find a way to better verbalize it, I finally get it. I won't keep making you tell me "no."

And there is one more thing to say.

When I compare you to him, I know it's awkward and you may feel responsible, and here's the simple truth - you partially are. Not however in a way that should make you feel guilty, but in the way that helped someone see their own self worth again. I actually forgot that there should be a "self" in a relationship. I appreciate that you were there to help me find some semblance of me again. I am going to have to re-define love, because I have a pretty bad road-map so far. I am however done searching for this treasure in places it simply doesn't exist.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Distraction


Apr 21, 2010

I desperately need a distraction to help focus at work. I've got my iTunes playing, my office television on, and I cannot distract my mind from wandering to unproductive and unnecessary places. I wish it was another day, no - another year.

I keep starting an email I shouldn't write, I keep drafting a letter to send to someone that is due correspondence and I delete them both just words in. I cannot finish anything and desperately need a brain vacation!

A a trip somewhere tropical with new found adventures seems as if it might be my only option! Somewhere to get over mad, somewhere to get over sad, and somewhere to sleep under stars.





Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Redefining Love


Apr 20, 2010

I've come to realize that I have a pretty obscured view of love and I'm in dire need of redefinition. I've spent the last eight years seeking affection from a man who may in fact be incapable of giving to me and was myself determined to keep giving until he changed. And yet I am probably quite likely going to repeat the behavior if I don't take a moment to stop, analyze, and revisit perspective.

This of course is due in part to a delinquent familial experience with love, where affection meant attack at every turn. "I love you" was a get out of jail free card - an excuse to say and do anything with no edit, no respect, and honesty was frequently used as a weapon. I have learned to accept some strange derivation of kindness instead of what both I and all other beings, are due. A sweet but sad little girl inside still looks at love as the perpetual search for affection, acceptance, and the far flung hope of adoration. I have learned to be very good at accepting much less than I deserve.

From what I've read as far as love goes, it's not something you should desperately seek at all costs, one shouldn't profess it often, nor expect it to be returned upon pleading. It certainly is not something that you must give totally of your self in order to achieve. Yes of course you must give a lot but there is a self in love. One absolutely cannot be routinely selfish, but a recognition of self and an acknowledgment of self worth is required. That's a pretty extraordinary concept I've stumbled upon, and not what I've lived a life believing to be true. I think that I might have had it wrong.

I look forward to learning to get it right.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Today belongs to me


Apr 19, 2010
I've stated my peace,
I've announced my feelings,
and now it is time to reclaim my voice.

I've lived as a painful love torn Victorian doll
and I've had just about enough.

I reiterate my confidence of conviction,
Express my own power,
and prepare to launch into opportunity ahead.

No stepping backwards,
no more breathing through it.

He has been exhaled
and I now will sprint.

Today belongs to me.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tequila Haiku


Mar 18, 2010
Toxic truth serum
Shares secrets best kept quiet
Many should not drink


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Needing another entry


Apr 17, 2010

I need to write again but I am momentarily at a loss for words. I am questioning my own reality and fearful of the future, but I know. I type a sentence and then promptly delete it. I am distracted by the dishwasher and the chill in my apartment. I will go, I will walk, I will breathe, and I will live.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Two lists


Apr 16, 2010

There are two lists below and I share them with this space because sharing with him had only a temporary resonance which was forgotten upon sunrise. I need to be heard. I wish he could hear me, and listen to what I say, but I understand it is to hard to be faced with this reality, and so - here, on our 5th wedding anniversary, are my lists.

Reasons to Stay
- Not to be alone
- I care for him and don’t want to hurt him.
- I love him and always will.
- Honoring a commitment I made seems like the right thing to do.
- This will be painful and very difficult.
- I may never find anyone else.
- My family will be disappointed in me.
- Marriage isn’t ever perfect so I shouldn’t expect it.
- My parents are still married.
- Divorce will be a distraction in the immediate future.
- Divorce may define me as a woman more than marriage.
- Focusing on divorce is affecting my professional productivity.
- In his eyes, I am letting him down by leaving.
- I will lose friends.
- He will lose friends.
- I want to protect him.
- His family will hate me even more than they already do.
- Its embarrassing.
- It’s expensive.
- It may be nasty and I don’t want to deal with such a horrific situation.
- It will uproot his life and force him to change things.
- I am everything he has when it comes to strong personal relationships.
- I’m afraid

Reasons to Go
- There is no “me” in our marriage, only an US and a HIM
- I know that without question I cannot promise emotional or physical fidelity.
- While I love him, I am not, nor have I ever been truly in love with him.
- I don’t want a marriage that requires me to scream for attention
- Marriages that have this much yelling aren’t healthy
- I am not being true to myself if I pretend this is enough
- I am hurting him by staying more than I will be by leaving
- He doesn’t listen to me.
- He doesn’t hear me no matter how clear I am
- The feelings I have now, I had before we were married and I ignored them.
- He feels entitled to everything in my life, my friends, my family, and my opportunities yet feels no burden himself to develop his own friends or opportunities. I serve his purposes.
- He abandoned me when I was hurt and left me to fend for myself when seriously injured and blamed me for his behavior, because I'm so independent.
- I don’t want to take care of him anymore.
- I don’t want to move forward with him – eg: buying a house or raising children.
- If we have children, I fear I will raise them alone, even if we remain married.
- He expects me to be there for him.
- He expects me to solve all his problems.
- We don’t have a good sex life and we’ve never really had a good one.
- We don’t share mutual passions.
- He doesn’t want to know me better, or get to know my creative artist side.
- He’s afraid to ever face my sadness.
- He wants me to stay the same
- I eat and drink my emotions in this marriage and it’s left me very unhealthy.
- We don’t really respect each other with the ways we behave and interact.
- I feel like I try to be life giving in my marriage and he does not try. I resent this.
- I am tired of pretending.
- I am tired of being mean.
- I am not strong enough to accept this fate as my only hope for love.
- I cannot promise to be faithful to him. I won't be a woman who cheats.
- He deserves better.
- I deserve better.
- Dealing with this marriage makes me act like a person I’m not proud of.
- I am constantly seeking more in relationships to fill what is missing in my marriage and this is very dangerous.
- I am passionate and flawed and he wants simple and uncomplicated.
- I married too young and began this relationship under the wrong circumstances.
- I’ve fallen in love with someone else once already while married to him and the pain was unimaginable. I can’t go through that again but I cannot shut myself off to the emotions that come.
- I know between my career and my school I will meet other people who inspire me and empower me and I don’t think I can give up the hope there is someone better for me.
- He shouldn’t be married to someone who thinks these things. He should be married to someone who cherishes him.
- I should be married to someone who cherishes me.
- I’ve thought about my life if I just choose to give up on any sort of romance or passion, and it’s not a life I see as worth living.
- I don’t want to keep drinking every night to get through the loneliness and guilt I feel in our marriage.  I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t want to become one.
- If I don’t face this now, it will be years before I can focus on this again and I can’t wait.
- I don’t want to lose that time.
- He shouldn’t have to lose that time either.
- I’m ready to move on


Thursday, April 15, 2010

shared


Apr 15, 2010

I read it, he heard it He read it, he felt it He's willing to leave I can breathe.

lists


Apr 15, 2010
I just made two lists which someday, I may have the courage to share - but not today. These lists, where I have carefully outlined reasons why I should stay and why I should go, are too real for anyone to read, even in this anonymous space. I am not certain I will ever even have the courage to share them with him. They are however written, and I am ready - but I am still sad.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

there are two of me


Apr 14, 2010
i appreciate the opportunity to transcribe my deepest ideas and live as the artist i have always known quietly hid behind my blue eyes and perky blond hair in this place. i was cast in a role as a young girl and proudly took the stage of life to perform as an entertainer, a pretty showpiece, a happy character. and today there are two of me.

i am a woman who aches to escape all traditional reality and float away on a sojourn to some unknown village and also the one you see at the front of this boardroom commanding your attention.

i realize i have a split personality but it is that fracture that in fact keeps me whole. without the ability to divide in two, and breathe through the times of fear  and weakness of one character with the power and pride of my other soul, i would not make it through.




Tuesday, April 13, 2010

lines


Apr 13, 2010
you are my best friend
and you stood for me at my wedding
on a day when i was afraid

you stood and remained quiet even though
you knew something wasn't right
i convinced you it was fine

i panicked in the car en route
and you told the driver calmly
"please circle the block"

and now i am afraid you will not choose me
you will choose to recognize my mistake
as something i should pay for

you supported our marriage in every way
you could find the strength to support
and for that i must pay

i was not always a perfect friend to you
through your darkest hour
but i wished i could have been better

but please - don't choose to walk away now.
i need my friend, i need you


Blossoming


Apr 13, 2010

I was told today that I seemed to be blossoming. It's a strange thing to hear at thirty-two, but a number of much older women, who have known me for a long time, were surprised by a newfound vigor, my enthusiasm, my opportunity, the way I spoke, the clarity in my eyes, the way I smiled, and even my hair. It felt good to be seen as a woman coming to a new fruition.

I feel like a perennial flower in early march, looking towards the warmth of may. I know that with every bloom, also comes an inevitable hibernation as I return to my root stalk in the winter, but I am pleased for now, as i feel the warmth of approaching spring and know that it truly is my time to grow and shine.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A meditation


Apr 12, 2010
Her left ring finger had just begun to fill in at it's base where she'd worn the engagement ring and then wedding band for almost seven years. It was a very strange feeling as her finger tapped quicker and lighter on the keys than she had known in a long time. Alex had taken up the practice of wearing various cocktail rings on that finger, as if everyone might think she was upgrading from her heirloom diamond, instead of in the early stages of a not so unexpected divorce.

They'd met when she was both a young twenty-two and an old soul. Her family had battled substantial tragedy and she had become the pillar of strength, the sounding board of emotional outbursts, and the place on which crisis could be placed. She'd endured the guilt of being the surviving sibling and recognized that only death would give her "angel" status her older brother had so instantly earned. She accepted this fate and had become very good at being very old, very young. Yet she was also very naive, passionate, and excited for the adventures ahead and was stuck in between being a woman on a path to permanence and a woman on the path to adventure.

A romantic type, she'd been proposed to several times before, because of course she took every new man into her life with the abundance and enthusiasm of a Greek lover but she'd never said yes. Then they met and the circumstances brewed a simple pot of sex, dating, relationship, and then a proposal. After all she'd been through with her family, Joe had finally asked at the right time and she felt yes, was her best step forward.

Alex sat looking at her finger as she waited in the lobby of the therapist's office. Today was the day she was going to tell Joe that it was over officially. He had two choices, either move out and separate for three months, or she was filing for divorce on the following Monday. She'd of course told him a hundred times before that she was unhappy and that the marriage was not going to work, but he - not a particularly good listener, had instead offered her dessert, coffee, or another glass of wine. He'd spent nine years not listening, much like his own parents and while Alex had decided to break from tradition, he was perfectly happy in an unhappy marriage. With the thirty additional pounds since their wedding day packed onto her soul, she was prepared to say goodbye on their 5th wedding anniversary, and she was sure he must know something was coming.

Joe sat wide eyed and angry as their therapist Janine coaxed Alex through the words she'd already written. Alex had emailed Janine a week prior to make sure that the therapist knew that this was not "Reconciliation therapy" but instead "Separation therapy". She had quietly sought the advice of both a mediation attorney and a bulldog family lawyer to make sure she took the steps correctly. Alex had not sought out the advice of her family for now, the second time, in her life.

She was prepared to say goodbye and walk out the door, knowing that there was a road of heartbreak ahead. Alex had made the decision that she'd rather the pain now, then hurt Joe for years to come, with an indifferent and dispassionate marriage, a friendship that resorted to yelling for attention, and a man married to a woman who would always seek more in her life than he was willing to give. The shocking realization that marriage should not involve screaming, was of course the first catalyst.
_____

Sunday, April 11, 2010

goodbye for now


Apr 11, 2010
i cannot take back this goodbye
i cannot step back from this step forward
and it will hurt me deeply.

i lose twice with the hope of starting over once
and i am frozen for today.

i cannot be the kind of woman who unkindly hurts
i will not be the kind of woman who desperately needs
i am told i am strong,
and strength i shall find.

it's the diary of a broken heart and the diary of a divorce
it's the tale of a girl who married too young
it's the story of a woman who loved too easily
and gave into passion over pride.

and i will miss him
and i will miss you
and i will find me


Friday, April 9, 2010

the gods are talking - a haiku


Apr 9, 2010
oh the highs and lows
when creating something new
gods are listening

Thursday, April 8, 2010

On time


Apr 8, 2010

He's late, I'm tired
He's cold, I'm wired

Missteps, emotions, and fraudulent addition
Simple patterns of fucked up repetition

He's simple, I'm not
He's cold, I'm hot

How can one not question the oblivious
when reviewing the history of the patented religious?

What now, how and when?


no touch


Apr 8, 2010
i imagined this morning as the sun rose and i quietly heard the world begin, the way it would feel to not be touched for more than week, and i am sad. i will miss the casual arm slung across my body and his cat-stretching feet as they brush my toes. with marriage comes the tactile reinforcement of self awareness, even if the touch isn't enough to feel whole. i am frightened to know how long it might be before i feel that warmth around my body, and while i know it's not enough to make this work, i will deeply miss this touch.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Lines of Morality


Apr 7, 2010

Lines in the seismic charts record explosive rings of fire
Quaking ground rumbles with the earth's upending desire

Like an apocalyptic film the earth shakes and bubbles
To what direction will roll its most dangerous rubble?

The earth is challenging the tenets of its own magnetic equator.

And there she peacefully sits, watching the turbulent waves roll in
wondering if beginning - is actually beginning, again.

With no need or desire to fight the tumbling tide,
aboard these fluctuating lines of earthly morality she'll patiently ride.

"bucket" lists


Apr 7, 2010
I just got the giddy at the idea of making a new sort of creative bucket list. I used to be a pretty adventurous girl who found inspiration in the most unusual of circumstances and I can't wait to be that person again. She's been hiding for about 8 years poor thing! It took a little bit of renewed self confidence, a realization that I wasn't stuck, and settling was not my only option. I'm finding my way back.

So let me start with a list of inspired locations that I intend to write future poems about - this list of course will be misinterpreted if ever read which is highly unlikely!

1) A drive in movie
2) Rocking on a boat
3) Camping under Stars
4) Always Beach inspired
5) On a rooftop overlooking the night sky
6) In an office creating a new idea
7) In a park, after dark' (Maybe this is a little too horror movie)
8) In the afternoon - delighting in opportunity
9) In the morning - regularly with the rising sun
10)  Wherever I am inspired

10:16 PM

sad haiku


Apr 7, 2010


the world has made that
happy blond girl sad today
she'll find her way back

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Apr 4, 2010

he told me tonight he'd fight for us
i said i need someone to fight for me

he said he'd considered the logistics already indeed
and decided together we worked more effectively

i am afraid my need for high reaching passion is unreal
but empty, alone, cold, and sad is no way to feel

my heart is breaking as i untie this marital vow
but these feelings were clear much before our heads were bowed

i wrote long ago that i was afraid i'd always be the one to give
and giving with only a modest hope of receiving is simply no way to live


An Easter Vigil


Apr 4, 2010
A priest told his congregation to believe in resurrection. He had witnessed broken lives re-born, impossibly damaged relationships healed, and beginnings found from inevitable ends. She listened and couldn't be sure from where her resurrection would come. Could she heal a relationship or the wounds of a relationship? Or would she learn to be free and to start yet again?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

could you?


Apr 3, 2010
Could you love me too?
Could you ever trust me?
Could I do this terrible thing and cause pain
and be strong enough to know it's right?
I am reminded by more than you
to take the driver's seat in my life.
Is there a chance that romance and passion
could be again part of my world
 and not just the fairy tales I pen?
Could we be happy together
even though I have already failed once
 in that endeavor?
Could you see me in your future?
How do I ask for this?
How do I leave?
Where do I go?
How do I bring something to its end
so I can love again for the first time?
Do I deserve to love?
Could you ever trust me?
Could you love me too?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Jane's story


Apr 1, 2010
"I used to be fairly well educated on the subject of the simpler sex. No offense boys, I think pretty damn highly of your gender, I just seem to have fallen out of touch with what it is that makes you tick. That's likely because I've fallen out of touch with what it is that makes me tick. It used to be pretty symbiotic. We used to work well together. Then I got married." Jane -37

About 6 years ago a girl met a boy - she was living in New York and despite the fact she hated the city, due to her California upbringing, she had a spectacular job (relatively speaking). Jane was anything but plain. She ran development for a company whose sole purpose was to incubate lifestyle brands like the Duchess of York and other various somewhat self indulgent "female" focused icons. The company, grandfathered by a benevolent nerd and perpetual lover of women, tapped into whatever was the female zeitgeist of the moment. Jane, being an impactful sort of woman, was fairly certain she understood the desires of women and thus the needs of men. The gig was perfect and her book, slated to become the next tome of self help chick lit, was coming together.

"Carolyn - there is absolutely no way a book about women trying to apply dating rules to business won't be a perfect hit. Women are fundamentally obsessed with singeldom, careers, and mating. It's friggin genius. Didn't everyone tell Martha, that nobody in NY had a garden?" Jane's heels clicked violently as she dashed through Grand Central "Well they all fucking wanted one didn't they?"

Carolyn, Jane's editor, hung up and knew she had talent on the other end of the line. It was her job to keep her focused and Jane had only recently fallen behind. She'd heard the garden reference twenty times and was fairly sure Jane could sell it, but something seemed to have changed in her productivity.

Jane met Tom for champagne and subsequent phenomenal sex after the oysters at Grand Central. It was a fabulous habit they had developed over the last three years, although there was nothing serious about their collaboration. Jane called it exercise, Tom called it fun. Apparently Jane flexed her kegels to a point that would render most rabbits unable to rotate and well, like her other muscles, they needed the occasional deep tissue release. Tom was a graduate of Harvard, something Jane only quietly held against him, and worked as a partner in an ad agency. Jane, with a less auspicious UC Berkeley degree in Communications, enjoyed quietly listening to his friends wax poetically about creative concepts that never got close to what a woman actually wanted.

She was working on a genius book that would divulge the reality of modern feminism and the way a woman embraced her career, her sex, her role in the world. She was being paid for it before it was even written, and the tv rights were already sold. Jane was ready to roll. Then - she met Mike.

(Yep - unfinished - not satisfying - sorta like my day, but cathartic nonetheless. Goodnight)

Fairy Tales!


Apr 1, 2010
Today there is too much work to do to actually write, but I am writing in my mind. I'm drafting all sorts of stories and fairy-tales where dragons are slayed, and princesses are freed. There's an ocean and an island and a tale of two paths. A bungalow, a mountain, adventures in jungles. There's beasts and burdens, and a victory just past peril. There's fantasy and magic, and it's all happy in my head. Everyone lives happily ever after - somehow.