Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bored


Mar 31, 2010
I love these heels.
I love this dress.
I hate this couch.
I want to be out and about not typing on my silly pink laptop.
I am ready for something new.

A day that was busy from start to end.
A day that was full of thinking good thoughts.
A day that almost forgot.

My television bores me.
My apartment ignores me.
My adventure awaits me.

The dress


Mar 23, 2010
There is a dress I wear that has a reputation. It's long, it's black, its cotton and spandex, and it has jewels below my cleavage drawing the eye to what I like to think is my heart's center and source of intoxicating strength. It's the kind of dress you wear with just a slip - nothing else underneath. This is of course the kind of information that would make everyone in the office think naughty thoughts all day. This of course is the kind of information that makes me think naughty thoughts all day. There is something sexy about it's power, and sad about the fact it can come to nothing. It's overt, it's enticing, and it's intimidating.

Truthfully, it's not work appropriate, but with a strategically placed cardigan, it can pass.

Clothes have memories and this dress is fractured with flashes of passionate glances and painful denial. It has attended important events, led meaningful conversations, been on the arms of ambitious dates, and sat on unimportant sofas waiting to be noticed. I look to the arrival of spring and the opportunity to invite it out of my closet and into the world. It's a dress that reminds me beauty can be lonely, sexuality is something often best held at bay, and some hungers are better left un-fed.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Danger of Fire


Mar 30, 2010
Today is the day she stops playing with fire and chooses strength over weakness.

In true test at the moment of forced strength in comes a fleeting reminder of the emotional inspiration that has fueled a dangerous flame. Ignoring the aching desire to reply is the only option. The flame could quickly engulf everything she holds dear, professionally, personally, both in her past and ahead in her future.

Today she stops, not tries to stop, not thinks about stopping, today is the day she stops playing with fire.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Don't


Mar 29, 2010
Don't pick up the phone again - there is no point.
Don't try to send another message - it isn't right.
Don't think what your thinking while driving 75 on PCH through 22 miles of scenic beauty -
 you can't change the road.
Delete, move on, and don't do this anymore.
Be strong, be kind, and don't stop trying to make this path better.





Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Protecting Grace and Serving Sereni


Mar 24, 2010
I cannot blame my subconscious
for wanting desperately to leap from the promises of bliss
 it seems I will never reap.
I am conscious.

A choice made long before I knew the woman I could be
a simple decision made from which I can never truly be free.

Learning to live by protecting Grace and
holding her elegance high is a challenge and a joy I must carry like a mother.
Yet instead I look at the glass rock on which the word is inscribed and
wish that day I'd just picked another.
I must live with Grace and ingest the angst within.
I cannot allow fantasy and childlike hope each day to begin.

Serenity serves me as I serve her.
A child of deep peace, inhalation and release.
I thrive on her meditative repetition to bear the burdens only I chose.
Pain is temporary and victory is forever and with
Serenity's power, I may reach these lofty goals.

Giving up versus giving in is the choice I must make.
Serenity and Grace please guide me along this path I now take.




Saturday, March 20, 2010

i am


Mar 20, 2010
i am tired of being mad - i am tired of being confused - i am tired of putting on two faces - so everyone approves.

i am bad at being happy, but that would shock the crowd, accustomed to my smile, how would they feel to hear me scream out loud?

i am mad at my turbulent emotions and all my insane highs and lows, trouble brews with fiery passion that nobody knows.

i am frustrated by my fears and that I cannot own them for what they truly are, instead I look to place them on the cocktail napkin of an unsuspecting bar.

i am done with yelling in my head and holding it all in, i'm done with waiting for someone else's ear to let me just begin.


Friday, March 19, 2010

Spring Fever Marathon


Mar 19, 2010
In my marathon effort to write every single day for three weeks to purge the looming spring fever, there are just going to be some days where I say absolutely nothing at all. This may be one of those days.

I awoke this morning realizing that another night's sleep did not alleviate the weight of the opportunity ahead of me is both overwhelming and inspiring. Then I went to a breakfast with a woman who'd already done it.

thank you timing, thank you inspiration, thank you encouragement. i am grateful for your guidance. please give me the strength to keep on a positive path.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Finding Peace


Mar 16, 2010
I am at peace today

Pink and Blue Sunrise

36 dolphins

2 sea lions

3.9 miles

5 Sun salutations

A tender and fulfilling meal

Ambition for a day

Namaste



Monday, March 15, 2010

Remember


Mar 15, 2010
What do you remember?  What thoughts can you not get out of your head? Do you have the same collage of images running through your mind and does it make you feel the way I do? Can you see what I see?

I close my eyes and feel your breath. I part my teeth and feel your tongue. I touch my hair and feel your hand. I am stunned into frustration and you seem to just move on. Having my heart beat fast again and my hands shake is both new and familiar. I'd assumed that it was not a sense I would be granted again - but now it is here, and it aches.

While you may move on, I remain locked in and without a plan. You will move on, fall in love with another, and be free of me.  I should not put myself through this pain, confusion, lust, and frustration and it's best I cage my passionate soul yet again.

A heartbreaking path is ahead down either road. Best I walk the high one and revert to calm quietude - because you are my friend, and that is what I must first remember.




Sunday, March 14, 2010

A letter to someone who will never read it.


Mar 14, 2010
Dear you,

Thank you for your trust. Thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry I have not been a better friend and hope you can forgive me my selfish indulgences.

I saw a picture of you today on what was likely one of the worst days of your life. I can only imagine what you were feeling, thinking, and fearing. I see you in a different light now, a richer light, one with murky red tones of pain, blue hazes of fear, and the grey of an unresolved past. I've seen sadness in your eyes and realize that after a long friendship, I knew something else was there, but didn't dig deeper.

It breaks my heart to know that you've carried such a burden alone, while you have carried me through such tough times with dedicated and generous resolve.

Your youthful pain, your sunken eyes, you pale skin - none are the reflection I know of my friend. In one instant a life can change and you, the person I know and love, are not the man in that picture.

I want to bring you strength and help you find resolution in this chapter of your story so the next epic adventure can begin.

Love,
me

7:35 PM

Thursday, March 11, 2010

6.11.11.31.3.11.11.36


Mar 11, 2010
Like the numbers to open a combination lock
their pattern is always the same.
A turning and twisting of an emotive dial
and the outcome still remains.

If the passing of time could only
evolve the way the clock ticks,
yet numbered months have gone by
and the passionate combination sticks.

A master lock of best intentions
released in a heated exchange with just a simple key
Now faced with the resetting of a countdown clock -
how long until again their twisted combination breaks free.


6.11.11.31.3.11.11.36