Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 28 - Abandoning the little girl (Less hopeful)

Nov 8, 2010

Roller coastering enthusiasm has gotten the best of me. Returning home to solitude after adventures in non stop, tons of talk, reasons to laugh, all out collaboration gone wild, and I instantly remember why I've hidden in relationships before. Being alone at the end of such activity is unsettling. Quiet feels cold.

But in my determination to understand the childhood basis of these feelings, I will take a proactive moment to deconstruct. As a little girl, I once remember sitting patiently on the bottom of the staircase long after I'd been sent to bed, because something was left undone.

"I just need a hug."

The curiously specific demand from a little blonde six year old, was met with a wee bit of confusion, followed by an enthusiastic, overcompensating and apologetic hug from my father. It had been nearly a week since I'd had a hug as my mother was traveling. For me, just the smallest amount of affection was sustaining.

I cannot deny that I am tactile and I will always reach for connection. I cannot change that I have needed touch and proximity to define my relevance as long as I can remember. Yet I do not know how that translates into becoming an adult. Because we are not permitted to be so bold. We are not permitted to need, or to need to be held - and as an adult, asking for a hug, a wholehearted two armed, make me feel safe even though we are just friends hug, isn't an option. You will misread it, and I will mislead it.

That makes me feel less hopeful, but tomorrow I will try again.

12:06 AM

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