Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 36 - Abandoning the little girl (At Peace)

Nov 16, 2010

I will not be perpetually strong, nor will I always be required to give more than I take. I do not have to be eternally grateful that I exist, although I must live with gratitude because life is a blessing. And I will fall just a bit in love with everyone I meet, because I am a story teller, I am a creator, and I am also a bit coarse and street smart.

I explained to someone today that my job was to repackage fairy tales, heroes tales, and create a bit of hope while finding a way to make money doing it, and I am at peace with that magical blend of practicality and fantasy. Although I might approach some days with the feisty aggression of my business brain, I will approach just as many with the romanticism of my poet. And in this duality, the little girl - who optimistic, dreams of the fairy tale and the woman who understands that princess movies generate a delicious target audience - will play together creating stories and living happily ever after.

I can be both without fear, and I will be me.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 32 - Abandoning the little girl (40 Days Go Fast)

Nov 12, 2010

Deciding to write on a certain subject for 40 days seems at the onset like an unimaginable task. How might I keep focus on a creative endeavor, how might I be able to pull sufficient material out of my brain on said material, but somehow - it went fast. I'm a week shy of closing the door on composing thoughts about what womanhood might mean when there was once a broken girl trying to be sufficient. I have grown, just a bit taller, just a bit stronger.

Recognizing that I actually abandoned a happy, strong, hopeful little girl about a decade ago, and with that chose to hide as a young lady under applied new rules versus my own intrinsic rules, was actually quite freeing. I have set limits with the men in my life, I have stood up to the tonality of a parental relationship and am quieted by their silence, but comforted in my own space.

To know that I don't have to choose pain, disrespect, and I don't have to give someone permission to be limited while expecting myself to be unlimited, all the while - needing to be relevant, is gently empowering. And most importantly, I don't have to be searching for the One. Because just a little bit every day, I will be a romantic playful little girl, free of the requirements of permanence, perfection, and relevance. Just to be alive, that's a game worth playing!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 30 - Abandoning the little girl (A kiss may just be a kiss)

Nov 9, 2010

A kiss may just be a kiss.
And that simple exchange of proximity
may need not mean anything more.

Simple, tactile, passionate, and new
I will gently lean towards you.

Terrified, I open the door,
to a kiss, just a kiss,
that may mean nothing more.
2:53 AM

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 29 - Abandoning the little girl (Starry Nights & Songs)

Nov 8, 2010

Nature has always offered certain anchors in my life, the sight of the little dipper turned upside down showering the purple night sky upon the world, the way all colors green look best when witnessed while lying on grass as leaves are pressed against the ethos' periwinkle, the deep sapphire of the ocean on a fall day, and the pure white of the run silver bells on the slopes of aspen's gray and darkest green treeline. Most of my memories are outdoors.

Sitting under the stars at my first concert, I heard Paul Simon and understood what it felt like to feel in unison. I get teary eyed when I hear Tom Petty's Free Fallin because when I was about 13, I realized it was a song that made me happy. I sobbed at a Springsteen concert. To move with music, to move with a story told that resonates somehow with thousands in Dodger stadium is true power, and I listen to the music of my memories and can re-trace my life and each time I fell in love.

I fall a little bit in love with everyone and imagine every man I know might be a soul mate, which is not to be confused with The One. It is because I feel deeply, passionately, and empathetically. This will never change. I imagine that I will have hundreds of soul mates because I can and will love without restriction. This, I hope does not preclude a life long mate at some point, but it may.

To learn to be unlimited by this power of feeling instead of crushed by its immensity is to learn to swim deep in the ocean with millions of pounds of water overhead and know that despite the depth, one can remain safe.

So with expansive natural anchors and songs that I accompany melodically with a clear voice and a reaching heart, I will grow. I shall remain as unlimited as I always have been and perhaps someday learn to accept this vast requisite range of feelings without fear.

Day 28 - Abandoning the little girl (Less hopeful)

Nov 8, 2010

Roller coastering enthusiasm has gotten the best of me. Returning home to solitude after adventures in non stop, tons of talk, reasons to laugh, all out collaboration gone wild, and I instantly remember why I've hidden in relationships before. Being alone at the end of such activity is unsettling. Quiet feels cold.

But in my determination to understand the childhood basis of these feelings, I will take a proactive moment to deconstruct. As a little girl, I once remember sitting patiently on the bottom of the staircase long after I'd been sent to bed, because something was left undone.

"I just need a hug."

The curiously specific demand from a little blonde six year old, was met with a wee bit of confusion, followed by an enthusiastic, overcompensating and apologetic hug from my father. It had been nearly a week since I'd had a hug as my mother was traveling. For me, just the smallest amount of affection was sustaining.

I cannot deny that I am tactile and I will always reach for connection. I cannot change that I have needed touch and proximity to define my relevance as long as I can remember. Yet I do not know how that translates into becoming an adult. Because we are not permitted to be so bold. We are not permitted to need, or to need to be held - and as an adult, asking for a hug, a wholehearted two armed, make me feel safe even though we are just friends hug, isn't an option. You will misread it, and I will mislead it.

That makes me feel less hopeful, but tomorrow I will try again.

12:06 AM

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 26 - Abandoning the little girl (Tired)

Nov 5, 2010

Flying across the country, writing a paper about branding, preparing to shoot a reality adventure, enjoying the company of new friends, and pretending with old is exhausting. I am left with nothing.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 25 - Abandoning the little girl (Maybe You are not The One)

Nov 4, 2010

When a little girl changes seamlessly from her Cinderella costume to Snow White in an afternoon and spends the night as Sleeping Beauty, slaying dragons and riding away on horses, the novel romance of a prince charming is a moving target based only upon the framework of the adventure ahead. It isn't until she is a little bit older that she is reminded to choose. You must choose your path - Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Jasmine! But why cannot we be them all? Why must we be prescribed to choosing just one future, just one fairy tale? Just one role.

I've lived the search for The One. I've found myself petticoat deep in dresses and flowers all for the god blessed search for permanency and perpetuity, only to realize that perhaps The One, is not always the goal. The prince charming does not make a princess whole.

It's a story of playmates and dreams and understanding that we are creatures who evolve. For some reason we are taught at a relatively early age - the mid twenties - to STOP. Settle, calm yourself, and be at peace with your now. While being at peace is essential, it does not mean we should stop growing, and the one you may choose at that age, may not choose to grow with you, and while perhaps is absolutely one for now, is not The One forever. Because in your life you can be Jasmine and Ariel and Belle, and you will never be rendered complete by the romantic proposal of your prince charming. Instead your story may be richer and many princes will perhaps share your fairy tale as you learn to live your own happily ever after.

8:45 PM

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 24 - Abandoning the little girl (No Fear)

Nov 3, 2010

The right to be unlimited belongs to everyone. The chance to reach for the extraordinary and not be afraid is not restricted. I can approach life with no fear and I will try. Please join me.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 23 - Abandoning the little girl (Yes I love kittens, curves, & I am absolutely a Democrat)

Nov 2, 2010

OK new guys who might come into my life in the future, let's be clear on a few things. Unlike the last time around when I pretended to be something I wasn't, gave more than I should have, and became malleable to the male ego because that's what a woman should do, this time I'm just not going to pretend for your sake that I'm anything but who I am. If you don't like me, the whole me, I'm not going to change. You wouldn't so why should I?

Yep, I have cats - two ridiculously large maine coon cats that I didn't ever mean to really have, and yes they were both brought into my life by past men, but for better or worse - these monsters live in my house and I am responsible for them. I let them sleep on my bed, and I don't care if you are allergic. I totally am and I deal with it.

I have a pretty hard time ever saying no. Don't take advantage of it! Don't realize that because it makes me feel good to give you should just take take take and not give in return. You can count on me to be there for you and I expect you to be my friend and be there for me. Eventually even though I pretend it doesn't matter, it will. I need hugs and to be cared for.

Nope, I am not that interested in being friends with your mother. I have my own complicated family relationships and that's plenty for me. I will however enjoy hearing about your family, listening, sharing ideas, and even on the occasional vacation spending days together, but it is your family and as screwed up as mine is - I don't need a replacement.

I love action movies and princess movies and am pretty sure I am a princess superhero. Get over it - I live in a movie in my head, am silly, creative, and playful.

I have a hot body and boys like me. I find it fun and don't anticipate ever being less attractive again even if it intimidates you. If I'm too hot for your ego - go to the freaking gym please! My sign is Caution Curves Ahead - That isn't changing!

Lastly, I am a total hippy democrat and it's 100% based on social issues. I absolutely adore gay people and am a christened fairy princess, I fight vigorously for women's equality, believe in affirmative action, public education, and social policy. I despise the small minded right wing faux christian hate contingency in America and am happy to be a gay loving liberal Catholic myself. Yep, I totally agree that our fiscal policies are a complete disaster and I am with you on the fact that capitalism is awesome, but fundamentally until your party can get its head out of its tail and stops making policies that hurt people personally - I am voting for the dems.

I like me and I am ok with standing up for what I believe in; Kittens, Generosity, Independence, Princess Superheros, Curves, and Civil Rights.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 22 - Abandoning the little girl (An Unexpected Crush)

Nov 1, 2010

They are called crushes for a reason. Will likely write more over a glass of wine tonight, but for now.

Somehow - eye contact, new friendship, and the unexpected attention of someone who is totally not your type can quickly evolve into a distracting crush. The question is though - like others, once you've actually made contact and spent more time together - will it simply end in disruptive flames? Should you just keep the mystery and let the heart beat faster at the thought - or is it worth the risk?

This may be a case where the previously un-hurt little girl rushes in to play with a new friend but the woman who's been bruised and broken isn't sure just how sage approaching something new could be. Who gets to play in this situation? How do you learn from your past without being burdened by the fear of repeating it?