Sunday, October 10, 2010

Abandoning the little girl.

Oct 10, 2010

It has been recommended to me by quite a few of the men in my life that I approach career, competition, love, sex, emotions and other relevant life's threads with a bit more of a male mindset. My dearest friend reminded me that I wasn't always a silly pining whining girl, in fact I used to be a heart-breaker not so pathetically heart broken. Those days were a lot more fun, so I'm going to try to return to more me.

Before I went down the path of an ill-fated traditional marriage, I was perpetually surrounded by male friends, and always felt quite at home with the boys. Girls in general weren't close to me, possibly because I was competition, but also likely because I just didn't indulge in the feminine angst that saddled my friends through college and their early twenties. I wasn't too much of a romantic, instead decidedly flirtatious and passionate, and didn't get hung up on hurt. I was quite comfortable being me - despite parental disapproval and a confused conservative home-town world.

I settled into a nine year relationship and, believing that my guy friends and the trouble we caused were likely no longer appropriate for a married woman, surrounded myself with girls. For the first time in a twenty two year life's span, I became a girl. I accepted the odd emotional requirements of my gender, developed and seemingly embraced issues; daddy issues, mommy issues, boy issues, girl issues, career angst, body image issues and unintentionally positioned myself as a conflicted girl. Here I was surrounded by girls who didn't want the things I wanted in life and I tried so very hard to mirror their paths and priorities. Oh my lord what a waste of time that was!

So now, I am finding my way back to a mindset that is decidedly more comfortable for me. Less angst, less poetic pining, more ass kicking, less tearful feelings, more adventure, less ambivalence, and most importantly redefining what being a woman will mean if I just abandon the girl!

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