Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 21 - Abandoning the little girl (Halloween)

Oct 31, 2010

On days like today, people often consider the purpose of the holiday for adults as - "Girls dressing slutty day" and the truth is, we are all seeking just the chance for a night to be a character we fantasize about. So when all of us women run around half naked dressed as sexy princess cats, naughty witches, burlesque dancers, nurses, or superheros, it's not so different then when we were little girls. We used to want to be a princess because it meant a fairytale, now we want to be a naughty princess, because it's means a hot fairytale.

Yes, we like different candy now - in the forms of cocktails and digits, and trick or treat may have a different meaning - and yep you can kiss me tonight because tomorrow I'm off limits again. At its most basic level, we women who have had to take on roles of dominance, control, expertise, money maker and bear these new roles concurrently with the traditional ones of care taker, pretty date, homemaker, mother, girlfriend or wife, are stripping away who we have to be day in day out and trying on, just for a night, a little less clothing, a lot more freedom, the chance to just be wanted for being hot, and taking a moment to let our inner vixen free.

Don't worry, we'll button back up for work on Monday. But we'll have a little spring to our step and a fond memory of simply being sexy and escaping for a just a night.

8:44 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 18 - Abandoning the little girl (Faith in Psychics)

 Oct 28, 2010

So I called a psychic network today. Not because I was in dire need of spending hundreds of dollars on the opinion of a random ironing bored sorority house-mother, but because a friend of mine runs a psychic network and set me up with a free trial.

In 24 minutes, my new psychic friend Marin identified that I was an ocean lover who should spend more time diving, should enjoy a few non-committed romances and no strings attached affairs, that in the next two years and three months I would be ready for a substantial career change or move, and that I was about to earn more money then I'd ever imagined. Generally speaking - a pretty delicious forecast.

What was compelling though was that when I asked if she thought I'd ever have children, she said that somehow the spirit of a strong playful energetic and competent little girl was coming through. There is a one to one relationship between me and this little girl who's feet were always covered in sand. She said that usually something coming through this strong might indicate a death or a miscarriage, but instead it seemed that this particular little girl is getting stronger by the day and in the next few years she will become part of my life.

Huh - how about that?

2:34 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 16 - Abandoning the little girl (Insomnia)

Oct 26, 2010

Exhausted and awake - this was never a problem as a child was it?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 15 - Abandoning the little girl (Back from a day off)

Oct 25, 2010

Yep - I skipped day 14. I slept for about twelve hours awoke for five and slept for another twelve while nursing a really wretched and dizzying sinus infection which rendered my eyes blurry, my mind empty and I have not been able to kick out its presence for ten days. Probably born of a night with excessive, unlikely and not customary cigarettes that matched a bright red dress and some deliciously bad decisions. And after a true day off, I went to work with bright eyes and a slightly more engaged spring to my step after sleep.

But sometimes, I will not be creative, and sometimes I will not be able to come up with the extraordinary - or even reflective ordinary. Sometimes we all need to rest and sometimes we all need to be a bit quiet.

Every once in a while our bodies will give out and sometimes a fractured neck and rusty bones will ache with rain, ache with wind, and we will find comfort curled up in bed and that does not make us weak.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 13 - Abandoning the little girl (Dirty Soles)

Oct 24, 2010

At the end of day 13, I am beginning to realize that abandoning the little girl is not actually about leaving her behind at all. In fact, the adventure of addressing my inner child these last couple of weeks has made me realize it was perhaps she who was missing this last decade! Not that I recommend that we all become adolescent in our behavior, but perhaps that we embrace our sweet creative optimistic child at heart and run barefoot occasionally, imagine we are superheros, paint in patterns, and laugh.

A child is innately competitive and will run hard as they can, but they are also a good sport; congratulating a friend upon a victory and dancing with joy for second place. While winning in business is essential, enjoying the game is perhaps our primary reason for playing.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 12 - Abandoning the little girl (On Playmates)

Oct 22, 2010

Making new friends is a lot easier when you are a child. But I'm tired from a night of meeting new people, standing poolside in delicious purple heels and a well curved LBD (little black dress) on a warmish Hollywood fall night, and I don't know what to think. I just know that playmates were a lot easier to find when you could just run, skip, and create together, without artifice, without ego, and just for the sake of fun.

If we could all for a moment make friends without agendas, stop networking and start connecting, I think we could all find healthy games to play and grow together.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 11 - Abandoning the little girl (What about procrastination)

Oct 21, 2010

Procrastination is not a childish habit. Jumping up, sprinting forward, grabbing the things in front of you are all instinctual in adolescent nature. Instead, it is a habit formed by a person as they grow and learn they might not always be correct to leap ahead. Fear is learned.

I think that perhaps procrastination is a combination of insecurity, and a little bit of hunger for a rush, and most of all fear of beginning without knowing exactly where things will lead. Because a lack of destination is the most scary path when you've spent years mapping out your goals.

Today, like most days, I've accomplished a bit, and not everything I wanted to. There are lists undone. So tomorrow I will promise to take a little step towards those changes and challenges I fear most.

And in the coming days I will address the writers block, approach the math phobia, make the call that I've been meaning to make and try to undo just a little of all that being a grownup has taught me not to do.

I encourage you to do it too.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 10 - Abandoning the little girl (A little bit on friendship)

 Oct 20, 2010

A little bit on friendship.

Defining friendship and living with respect is an un-simple process when bad habits have been practiced for an entire adult life. As children, friendship and kindness are innate, and it is trained out of us by aging.

How we interact with our friends, how we craft friendships, and how we deconstruct them may be the most childish thing we do as adults. Hurt feelings, spite, vengeance, disgust can all quickly override anything that resembled respect, caring, concern, and even love.

It has been said and is clearly quite true, that the better we know someone, the far less careful we become. Becoming less careful with our friends is a very sad grown up habit.

5:10 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 9 - Abandoning the little girl (Remembering the mermaid)

Oct 19, 2010

I don't think I'm willing to abandon the mermaid memories and underwater dreams of my childhood. When I was little, I watched, from my yellow encased vehicle, an underwater adventure as the mermaids swam in laps around the lagoon at Disneyland, and I have revisited those memories throughout my life. Floating freely, hair in a surrounding billowing glimmering halo, and the ability to make the littlest kick send ripples that move at the speed of sound.

I am anchored to the depths of the ocean and freed by the quietness of echoing waters. It is another metaphor of the silence I've sought since my ears were shattered by the adamant demands of those around me even as a child. I plunge quickly and swim to the deepest parts looking for meaning - weightless with the tons of water pressing upon my form.

And this search for depth, this search for silence, masked by a bubbling and babbling brook upon the surface is the very balance between the little girl and the woman, only which is which?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 8 - Abandoning the little girl (Listen but don't break)

Oct 18, 2010

Learning to take things far less personally is essential to growing up. I have been in a particularly sensitive place and have allowed others' thoughts, reactions, ideas, and opinions to cut deeply into my soul these last few months. I have always been curious about how others might perceive me and that curiosity has left me an open book, easily read and readily manipulated.

I work in a world of manipulation, ego, altercation, and control. The very act of dominating with disrespect can brew success, if only for a while for the executives who run my industry. I am personally never slated to be that kind of leader, my true nature will not allow me to be so cruel. I am willing to acknowledge that I need to work with these colleagues while protecting myself from their manipulative tentacles.

Abandoning the little girl may very well mean acknowledging that she is there and respecting her in my core. I am grateful for the kindness and empathy I will bring to every situation, my sensitivities and emotions are integral. Protecting the little girl inside so she does not fall victim to the predators surrounding, and remembering her legacy so she does not die entirely inside becomes my real task.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 7 - Abandoning the little girl (Get a good night's sleep)

Oct 17, 2010

After a weekend like that, there's not much I can muster. Some days, excessive self reflection isn't productive and one best get a good night sleep to start a new week with a strong stride.

Day 6 - Abandoning the little girl (Too many reflections)

Oct 17, 2010

Mirrors, reflections, and reality

I watched myself tonight as I memorialized a woman who had it all. Family, love, experience and loss. I was also forced to see my own refection in a stranger. This person reiterated my clear struggle, woman desiring legitimacy, and person who might be innately relevant. I tossed back long blonde hair and laughed at comments about my own sensuality and thought - do I distract from my end goals with femininity? Am I hindered by the nature that is so innate? Can I embrace the memory of a woman who had it all, and still just be bad ass? Is it possible to be me, knowing that we all need to be loved, and be strong enough to accomplish what I have set in motion?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Day 5 - Abandoning the little girl (Maybe it's ok not to be perfect)

Oct 15, 2010

Accepting inadequacy and knowing that you will not be perfect at everything is a very grown up step. I'm not sure I am entirely ready to accept that I will not be able to master all that which I am presented with, but I am certainly willing to try. In the past, I've always played games I knew I'd win, and now venturing into uncharted, and perhaps un-winnable territory feels perilous.

I created a persona, a stage name, at the early age of birth - to perform and convince everyone that I was an expert. It worked and for the last thirty some odd years, I've fooled a few people into believing I might be totally adequate. But today, it's highly likely I failed. Failed from lack of preparation, disinterest, distraction and possible weakness.

So instead of being indignant and distractingly expressive, I will humbly accept that I am occasionally inadequate when pursuing perfection and that's OK.
10:25 PM

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 4 - Abandoning the little girl (Learning to let go)

Oct 14, 2010

Learning to let go is perhaps not just the challenge of abandoning the little girl, but also the challenge of every idealistic adolescent as they become a reserved adult. I've spent many years offering undue importance on those who would not return sentiments and clinging to things, relationships, dreams, jobs long after their time had ended.

Being able to look with a critical eye and a non emotional heart at those things that have run their course, appreciate them for their evolutionary effects, and calmly bid them adieu is something I must learn.

So I wonder, to learn not to be hurt by the natural passings of life's chapters, but to instead reflect peacefully upon memories and let all waters flow away without attempting to halt their inevitable dispersion, is that in fact the grace that would partner with the serenity I imagine?
10:09 AM

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 3 - Abandoning the little girl (Don't react)

Oct 13, 2010

Does abandoning the little girl mean reprieving myself entirely of everything emotional or does it instead entail re-tooling what emotion means in the scope of functional living?

I found myself watching Mad Men again and recognizing a very familiar little girl and a very familiar mother. A therapist instructing the little girl to behave in front of her mother but to always know how she felt inside. Would that have been what therapy taught me as a little girl? Behave and acknowledge?

Truthfully, I never learned how to do either particularly well. But perhaps understanding that the emotions that drive current reactions can actually be tempered and maybe with deeper consideration, emotions might provide for function, not paralysis. Learning to acknowledge, receive, and not simply react - Now that's something to ponder.

6:29 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 2 - Abandoning the little girl (Let your sun shine through)

Oct 12, 2010

So I'm willing to face the fact that the little girl in me shouts for attention and secretly hopes for praise. I'm willing also to face that this may impede reaching what I really want to get to. After a thoughtful early morning therapy session - something I'd recommend everyone spend at least six months of their life investing in, I've discovered that my fear of reaching for the golden ring and achieving the truly successful is far less about a fear of success than it is about a secret need for relevance.

Last week I celebrated a fun and unexpected accomplishment. Something I'd worked long and hard for and was gleefully pleased with its result. We toasted the week with a wild and mischief seeking group of friends clearly in tune with the week's particular success. As I sat on a warm Indian Summer night, dressed in foxy red, watching a debaucherous and adventurous world pass by, I was reminded by a new friend that perhaps I needn't try quite as hard to command relevance. In fact, just being me, just being present, just being part of the world I love, might in fact be enough.

Let the extraordinary shine through without demanding awareness - is that possible? Is just being me and allowing accomplishments to speak for themselves realistic? Who will tell my story if I don't? Who will notice if it's not explicit? Is just being me, enough - and frankly enough for who? 

I'm certain I'm not the only one who's felt this way, so I pose the question to the other women out there, if we don't claim our own destiny and achievement, can they stay ours? Can we really trust that others will respect us implicitly, or do we have to demand it?

The answer may seem clear, but how can we be sure and how do we have the courage to risk relevance?

9:15 AM

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 1 - abandoning the little girl

Oct 11, 2010

How easily it is to indulge in chick like behavior!

What a massive amount of time is literally drained trying to understand the un-understandable. We script in stories in our minds and assume all sorts of things that are positively irrelevant and likely preposterous.

I've decided to formalize this project of 40 days of giving up being a "girl". Like a rubber-band on my wrist, I will snap myself back into reality when I find myself drifting to dumb self absorbed and dramatic girl crap. I will depend on my dear friends to remind me how not to behave and I will rely on their candor as I try to evolve from this strange bird I've become.

I suppose even this very act of typing out my little diary, and I am a bit chick. Does giving up my emotional side equate releasing myself from the bonds of a passionate side? Is dispassionate and irrelevant the proper way to address the world, and if I do that - will I still be who I truly am? Or is there a balance between the tsunami of fantasy and distracting imagination with productive indifference? Can I be less crazy and still find the words to compose? Do I want to?

How do you put it out of your brain? How do you shake the thoughts that bear no relevance on what you need to get done? How do I un-distract from the useless? 

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Abandoning the little girl.

Oct 10, 2010

It has been recommended to me by quite a few of the men in my life that I approach career, competition, love, sex, emotions and other relevant life's threads with a bit more of a male mindset. My dearest friend reminded me that I wasn't always a silly pining whining girl, in fact I used to be a heart-breaker not so pathetically heart broken. Those days were a lot more fun, so I'm going to try to return to more me.

Before I went down the path of an ill-fated traditional marriage, I was perpetually surrounded by male friends, and always felt quite at home with the boys. Girls in general weren't close to me, possibly because I was competition, but also likely because I just didn't indulge in the feminine angst that saddled my friends through college and their early twenties. I wasn't too much of a romantic, instead decidedly flirtatious and passionate, and didn't get hung up on hurt. I was quite comfortable being me - despite parental disapproval and a confused conservative home-town world.

I settled into a nine year relationship and, believing that my guy friends and the trouble we caused were likely no longer appropriate for a married woman, surrounded myself with girls. For the first time in a twenty two year life's span, I became a girl. I accepted the odd emotional requirements of my gender, developed and seemingly embraced issues; daddy issues, mommy issues, boy issues, girl issues, career angst, body image issues and unintentionally positioned myself as a conflicted girl. Here I was surrounded by girls who didn't want the things I wanted in life and I tried so very hard to mirror their paths and priorities. Oh my lord what a waste of time that was!

So now, I am finding my way back to a mindset that is decidedly more comfortable for me. Less angst, less poetic pining, more ass kicking, less tearful feelings, more adventure, less ambivalence, and most importantly redefining what being a woman will mean if I just abandon the girl!