Tuesday, August 17, 2010

To Surrender but not to Submit

I am learning
to understand that to surrender
is not to submit
to the unacceptable.

To be loved,
to be cherished,
does not require
 to be hurt,

intellectually I comprehend,
but yet sense
has not yet seeped into
my emotional understanding.

I am justified in setting boundaries
and should not back pedal
because I fear I require too much
surrendering to want love
is not submitting to accept

while quiet terrifies me
and a lack of reply
leaves me unsettled
i don't have to fill
this silence

and understanding
seeking closure
is about closure for myself
not anything
another can offer

so I surrender
to the notion
that I want to be cared for
and I surrender to the notion
that with love,
I will feel more complete

but I deny submission to something less
because my strength
will have a place
in my weakness

Again? A Haiku

Aug 17, 2010

Sharp, her body pains
something vicious hides inside
how has this happened?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Because to us, we'll always be young

Aug 14, 2010

Looking through my first true love's eyes last night, I was again the 14 year old chorus girl who in the dusty back stage of a high school theater tempted lust and toyed with love. Our innocence was protected only by the cumbersome costumes of old England's Camelot and the leotards of the woodland nymphs who beckoned, "follow me". His accent took me on great adventures in a young romantic mind.

Eighteen years later we strolled along a nighttime park and fell instep so naturally it was as if we had never missed the critical parts of our stories. He found me, not unlike the enchanting college co-ed I once was, easy to be near and I kissed him hello as if there was no reason not to. His hug was familiar, his laugh echoed as it always had. His eyes, dark and enchanting had begun to crinkle in the way they do in one's thirties, and it was easy to remember why I loved him so.

And we both still are the kids we once were and while life has sculpted us in unimagined ways, there is nothing so tangible as the charming memories of young love and the way it can make a heart beat a little faster eighteen years later.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Nope - You know what, I win

Aug 13, 2010

In the last year, I've made some outstanding and extraordinary changes in my life. I decided to choose me above all else and perhaps that's selfish, self absorbed, and wrong to some - but to me it's freeing and I am not apologetic.

And now, I find myself newly faced with another reason to be distracted from my core goals, and I find myself sabotaging a productive opportunity because of a boy. I am on repeat and it's time I changed this record.  When I was in college I didn't spend a year learning a new and extraordinary language in the fabulous outskirts of Florence, because I loved a boy and clung to his world. As a young adult, I didn't fight harder at my studio job, because I loved a boy and had to plan a gratuitous wedding. As a wife, I paid his debts and ignored my own. I have done this before.

I have sought love, reaction, reflection from men to feel relevant for as long as I can remember. Perhaps it was my innate performer, or my adopted sad soul, seeking an anchor to something, but this time, I am more important than the boy. I am more important than the feelings of sadness or the feelings of temporary joy from being caressed by his affection. Confused, paralyzed, and attempting to distract myself with the turbulent emotions of which I am so familiar, heartbreak - is almost preventing me from sprinting towards this goal.

This time, I cannot stop, because failure is not an option and he is simply not more important than me.

It might have been better if we never met

Aug 13, 2010

It might have been better if we never met,
 she repeats to herself.
Because if she says it enough times,
eventually she might believe it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tonight I write

Aug 11, 2010

Tonight I write without purpose but instead to fill a page.
Because I am confused and without feeling or understanding thereof.
I am afraid to step forward and find myself clinging to what's behind,
or perhaps what should be behind me,
while looking towards a bright and blinding future.

Blinded by opportunity and wary of the steps ahead,
because I am unsure if my gate is steady enough
or my stride is strong enough to take these leaps.

So tonight I write without purpose,
because it is not love,
it is not loss,
it is not the intangible which petrifies me,
it is hope
and of that I am unsure of how I best address
 the ominous presence of something tremendous
found entirely within.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What would it mean

Aug 10, 2010

What would it mean to be extraordinary?
What would it mean to achieve?

Does it mean you are stronger?
Does it mean you are more vital?

Who is relevant?
What is permanence?

If we are all temporary in our existence
then why do some fight for the extraordinary
while others rest simply, peacefully
in love and family.

What would it mean to rise to great heights
and what would it mean if I did not?

Monday, August 9, 2010

thank you baby blue

Sep 8, 2009
I am terribly grateful for the loyalty of a best friend who will brake me on my misdirected momentum. Like the freedom and friendship found in my first car, an 88' blue BMW convertible, his 20 years of honesty and perpetual motion have chauffeured me somewhat safely down the road of my adult childhood. If my journey was a trip playlist it would fall somewhere in the beats of sabotage and david gray. occasionally, my record scratches and the shocking silence of my own desires beat in metric time. 

please forgive me if i act a little strange for i know only too well what i do. 

So I type in subtle metaphor in an attempt to apologize for the burst of unnecessary flames with which I painfully scorch those that I am meant to love and friends I am meant to trust. I am not certain if this highway is mine or if I need to find another brick road, yet for now I am exhausted and weakened by my recent combustion. A fluid sense of direction may not be had for quite some time. 

The reflections of my own choices rest painfully in the air like the last wafting scents of jasmine blooms on a nighttime convertible ride in the final days of summer. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A balance of now

Aug 8, 2010

Learning to balance the now
with the promise of future
and confusion of past
is my next endeavor

and learning to balance the now
with grace, serenity, and calm reflection
is an iterative process

because in the now
in the today
and not just the tomorrow
it is almost always good

despite the days
where tears outlast joy
and the memory of what was lost
seems so painfully strong

it is the now, the moment
this vitality of which
I must seek a balance
and find peace

Thursday, August 5, 2010

the intangible

Aug 5, 2010

nothing can break a heart more than the intangible
like the light of a firefly just after sunset
unexpected, and beautifully fleeting
it is the intangible essence of love or its unexplained
missing ingredient that is most defeating
to the heart.

 she sat with arms curled around her knees
perched woodland elf like on a fallen log
and listened as he explained the intangible
under a gleaming blue and orange lit sky

beautiful and ominous clouds rolled in
filling the sunset. majestic gods
protecting a moment from intrusion as she heard
him explain the intangible reason
he would not love her
and she was afraid to ask

because she had not been loved
in any intangible, elegant,
or passionate way in many years
instead loved only in those most practical
and least satisfying ways
in fact
that was what he was protecting her from
protecting her again

later, when the falling shower's veil mixed with tears
she again wrapped her arms around her knees
this time naked, shaking with true sadness
and she searched
unsuitably for answers
wondering how she might someday
find the path to change her
intangible pattern.

Monday, August 2, 2010

something new

Aug 2, 2010

i'm onto to something
onto something new
not burdened with regret
of what we didn't do

instead a fresh day rises
with salty summer sunned air
and something new is blooming
because it was always there

wafting in the wind
waiting in the wings
dancing in the street
something new to seek

and i don't know the word
describing this something new
voices as of yet unheard
beginning to share sweet clues

and i'm onto something
onto something new
and looking ahead
to what I can and will do!