Monday, May 31, 2010

A year

May 31, 2010

A year
changed everything
twelve months
so very much gained
three hundred sixty five days
what should have mattered most was already lost

Friday, May 28, 2010

Left to lose

May 28, 2010

Janis Joplin had it right - Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.  I'm stunted this week in my ability to compose ideas, process thoughts, and understand feelings - mostly because I find myself in a transition falling out of interest from what seemed compelling and wading into the pools of waning conviction.

Grass is never greener, relationships are always a simple battle of desire for attention and withholding of affection, and as much as I'd like to be confused by this reality, I can only be conflicted by the emotions I feel. I reminded someone this week that a man will treat you as a wife how he treats you as a girlfriend and if you don't even like how he treats you as a friend, it's likely a troubled road. But one cannot review too harshly the heart, or the tethers of longing we humans feel. Because we all will repeat our pasts, and hopefully over time learn to repeat them less painfully.

The terms of some agreements have changed and anchored to grace and serenity I must move through the emotional iterations of marriage, friendship, lust, passion, hate, anger, hurt, hunger, and resignation, and know that there is peace simply in living. There is reason to feel other than just to seek pain, and there is joy in achievement, even if it is without a companion.

And the horizon is mine, the challenges are mine, and who matters today - may not in ten years, who hurts me today - will not in ten years, but the life I lead, the world I explore, the victories I craft, and the adventures I seek will be forever mine.

So there is nothing left to lose but my own way, and to a path of opportunity and unlimited adventure, I will strive to stay faithful.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

the writing's getting good

May 26, 2010

Not much to write today because I've put my creative juices into writing a poem for a friend's graduation announcement. it was a delightful little compliment to be asked to do so and I was touched, albeit a teensy bit surprised. I guess I am OK at this writing thing - or perhaps instead I have a future at Hallmark.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Peace be with me - when the time arrives.

May 25, 2010

There are times I am afraid to write what I feel because I worry you may be reading and misunderstand my process. but for the first time in my life, I will not be edited by anyone's fears. Yes I miss the companionship of marriage, yes, I want you still, and most importantly yes I desire to swim freely. for those emotions, I shall never apologize. Were I to blindly walk away - with no feeling, I would be a cold human being, and that I never have been. I am passionate, I am flawed, and I imagine the impossibilities that I cannot write. I am imperfect and I will never again strive for flawless. I will be me and I will desire.

So if you read this, if you worry that I am confused, rest assured I am. Rest assured that my desire, my confusion, my passion will remain and I am comfortable in my own instability. You may not be - but that is my challenge to overcome, and for that I am grateful.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Unexpected missing of you

May 24, 2010

I thought I couldn't miss you, but I do
I was sure I wouldn't miss you, but I do

Because tonight there is a beach side concert
with a musician that I love
and we would be going together.

But we should not because I've made this choice.
We can not because it would be confusing.
We will not because I am not your date anymore
and you are not mine.
You never really were.

And alone on the sand, I will listen
near the water I will quietly think
and I will remember that like music
companionship is fleeting

and as a husband,
i needed you to be so much more
than just a date
to a concert by the sea.

11:37 AM

Sunday, May 23, 2010

going through it

because i am going through this and i wanted you to be my friend
i am sad
because my days are a mix of highs and lows and your presence used to be calming
i am disappointed
because i have expectations and have learned now not to expect anything from anyone
i am rethinking
because i don't know how to do this as i've never had to before
i am confused

and i wish there was someone to count on other than myself but,
i will learn to be strong.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The sanctity of alone

May 22, 2010

There is a quietude found as currents pull
a weighted body
in the direction of the kelp's smooth swaying.

nothing but the sound of inhalation, exhalation
and the release of carbon into an oxygen world
interrupts the ebbs and flows
of this precious environment,

and while a diver swims with a companion
she is in essence alone
controlling her own ability
to rise and fall
with an ever decreasing supply of life.

the choice to descend deeper
and to explore a more intense landscape
or to remain floating peacefully just a bit below the surface
is her's alone.

and with crossed arms
and gentle hips that propel forward
a diver follows the path of most compelling
because to rest in one place
is not her goal.

moving with the fluid kicks of extended fins
and surveying the surrounding beings with encased eyes
she seeks the most extraordinary
 aware that her own vitality remains regulated
by comprehensive systems.

this new world in which she temporarily survives
is beautiful, dangerous, and perpetually in movement

and while she is welcome to explore
she must do so gently on her own.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Remember - a haiku

Remember how this
feels. do not make this mistake
Alone is better
11:02 PM

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

i am not my mother's daughter

May 18, 2010

i am not my mother's daughter
and in that i must take some comfort.

i am instead born of a woman
who made a painful choice so early in her life

and gave me away
so as not to suffer her strife.

for my birth i will always be grateful,
and know i can see through her wiser green eyes.

i'd like to believe that in her fighting spirit
and love of passionate freedom i will fly.

because, while i was raised by a woman
for whom nurture was burdened with regret,

i am not my mother's daughter.
who i shall become and what is my true nature

i simply don't know yet.
11:02 AM

Monday, May 17, 2010

telephone - a haiku

May 17, 2010

no sense in waiting
for a phone that will not ring.
this time she has learned.

Arguing the counterpoint

May 17, 2010

She received an email this morning from her mother, who was finally beginning to grasp that the problems in daughter's marriage did not amount to a simple lover's quarrel to get past and return to submission. It would bother her for the rest of the day and although she was accustomed to her mother perpetually disagreeing with her choices and arguing for the sake of engaged relevance, it left her weakened.

They'd spent just a few hours together over the weekend and seemed to have undone all the good, the growth, the resolution in such a short time. The reasons to stay that she'd heard in her mother's opinion, did leave her worried. Was this something she shouldn't walk away from because obligation overrides joy?

"This is not just a relationship, it is a marriage, vows were taken and witnessed." she had been reminded

Was it more important than happiness? What would make her happy? She had to remind herself repeatedly that the marriage her parents shared was not one she would choose for her own life. The fighting, the disrespect, the public bickering, and most of all the anger was just not something she was willing to live with for the rest of her life. She also did not want to become the unkind mother, her own mother had been. They were her parents but not role models and this - she needed to repeat to herself.

But as her mother had suggested fearfully that this choice would lead to inevitable loneliness, she was again afraid. Did she really think there was a chance another man wouldn't be equally as selfish, hurtful, and unavailable? Was she delusional to think that there was a chance for "happy" and what, with all the unhappy she had balanced in her life, could happy possibly look like? Who would want to care for her, who would be there for her? Her mother doubted there would ever be anyone remotely better. Was together sad better than strong alone?

"Perhaps you think marriage is not for you? I would think you would have a very lonely life without a committed partner/husband." her mother had written that morning.

Learning that her mother was going from "very sad to mad to bewildered." and was praying for her, reminded her that as always - she was allowing this to become about about someone else. Most events and decisions in her life had been about someone else and this was the first time she'd embarked on learning how to make something entirely about her. What were the "things" worth working out? After living unhappily for so long, she was finally feeling strong again. She believed that leaving now, although the hardest thing she could do was right, and honest, and that she was strong enough to get through it.

Her mother had again crushed her confidence and resolve in decisions by simply arguing the counterpoint.

"Anyone can get a divorce, it takes strength and stamina to be married and stay married."

Sunday, May 16, 2010

a dance buried in music long before written

May 16, 2010

There are things that even I know I cannot write about. There are feelings that even I should not express as it will break trusts and decimate confidences and I fight every click of the keyboard as I type and delete about a night dancing with a partner that even I couldn't have expected. But I have no will power.

How can I possibly be so stupid to let these doors open again and these emotions echo through me with the same patterned rhythm of our bodies as they undulated to music. The heaving, the breathing, the unexpected invitation that I should not have answered as you grasped my curving waist and pulled me towards you again. Because in your enchanting intoxication, it was only lustful steps and this is just a ballet. Fueled by hungry breath, this fire has only my heart to incinerate. Yet there is therapy in the physical release of exertion and I smile again biting my sweet mouth, knowing that my thighs ache from a previously undanced tango. 

If only the memory of your body pressed against mine could be erased long enough to accomplish basic tasks and I wouldn't be compelled to transcribe the evening in my not so private diary. Because I'm not sure if or when you will call again, although history has proven that it is a likelihood. I'm only getting good at not reaching towards you and understanding that in this instance, I cannot guide this dance.

So until you again lead me not so gently onto the dance floor, I will write.

Friday, May 14, 2010

in the morning

awake with sandy eyes and a weighted heart
everything is just a bit better with the sun's rising

the misery of midnight and the shadows of darkened loneliness
are carefully illuminated in a soft dewy fog as another day begins

because without sadness there would not be joy
without pain there would not be passion

and surviving the night
means feeling alive again in the morning's light

Thursday, May 13, 2010


May 13, 2010

i have never needed a friend more than i do tonight
i cannot control
the tears which have unceremoniously burst from my customarily smiling eyes
and i quietly wish to achieve the sainthood that a temporary youth provides

my misteps and sad calculations have led me to be the girl
that everyone hugs and applauds for strength as they return

to husbands and marriages and private wedded calmness
with supporting disdain they look from a window without silly bliss,

but instead true comfort

of which i realize i have none

so i weakly reach a waifing arm for comfort which will never arrive
because i am alone, lonely, and truly broken tonight.


Holy shit I hope this is rock bottom because I am not sure if I can handle any deeper sadness.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A day to shine

May 11, 2010

it's not so unexpected that i would have been distracted last night by my greatest de-tractor. i simply should not have answered the phone, so that's my fault because i knew i was angry. i should have just ignored him and not engaged in saying the things i felt because they are pointless now.

today is a great moment when i am sprinting for gold and dashing towards achievement and of course, there will be blocks that appear.

of course he will call for attention, insert, and choose to hurt. but i am done being brought down and done being forced into his shadow.

i'm done being threatened or reminded of his ownership. there is nothing left. it is done and i cannot make myself less to make him feel better.

it is my time to shine.

9:17 AM

Monday, May 10, 2010

i hate to hate

May 10, 2010

i hate to hate you but you will not ever change enough
and you are blindly determined to make things right
even when there is no chance

i hate to hate you but i have changed in what i will accept
and i try to be graceful upon this exit
even though you push me to hurt you

but every turn, every breath, every conversation
you are there and i am haunted by the lies
we presented to the world about just how OK we were

and every moment i hear your voice
and every time i hear your excuses, reasons, and new found options
i hate you more

please stop making me hate you
please just let me go

9:15 PM

her ride

May 10, 2010

riding the ups and downs of girlhood has grown tiresome
 and she is ready
to embrace the calm
of collected womanly poise.

she elevated everything but her own soul
through her twenties
and understanding that she remained a college co-ed
 when it comes to matters of the heart
 is her first step.

she's ready to climb off the rickety old roller coaster,
ignore the perpetual circulations of the Ferris wheel
and learn how to manage
 these particular emotions.

she'll never be an even keel woman
in love and lust
because that's not who she is,
but she can and will be
 a more productive one.

distractions, attractions, and passionate reactions
 will always have their place
 but will no longer live in her every moment.

like the daily task lists
prepared during a morning's commute,
she can and will organize the wanderings
of her stimulated mind
to fit within certain hours.

Because she's learning
that there will always be another night of passion
to remember with lowered eyes and blushing cheeks.

There will always be another object
of her cyclical affection to ponder.

There will always be another bruise healing
with the sensual and painful ache of remembrance,

and that roller coasters offer
brilliant temporary adrenaline highs
required to live,
but most rides
are simply not meant to last.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Getting better

May 9, 2010

I cannot be surprised
when you behave the way I've grown accustomed to,
but it still stings.

Bruised, my lips are a reminder of the times I've said these words before
and even though it breathed out differently this time
i know that nothing new began pressed against a closed door

and I'm getting better at getting past that point

Friday, May 7, 2010

i'm glad

May 7, 2010

i'm glad
that there is someone reading.
i wish it was you
i wish it had always been you
i am sad that you are not here with me
and wish you'd miss me too

but you don't
you never did
and while i may want to hate you for it
i cannot blame you
i am the one who chose this
but i did not choose you

The numbers of Sleeping Alone

May 7, 2010

It had been seven weeks since she had sex and nearly five weeks since she slept next to someone. Prior to that - it had been eight years since she'd been alone in bed, and truthfully it had been twelve because in college she was easily loved and easily in love. For the first time in her entire life, she felt the pain of a relationship that had to end - and she felt it long enough to actually hurt because she didn't swap out one with another. She tried, but she chose the wrong subject for transferred affection.

She'd read about depression and swore to that she'd never go down that road, but instead found herself pulling out her easel and guitar as the clock struck one. Insomnia and excessive productivity was her version of depression because sleeping alone was terrifying.

The problem was that they both didn't actually love her. Not the husband she'd had for almost a decade, nor the man she'd unintentionally replaced him with, and honestly how could they? Of one she'd required nothing, of the other she'd hoped for everything. She needed to start again, she needed a re-drafting, and she didn't have the tools to begin.

Not a bitter woman, instead a perpetually sensual one, she hoped this too would pass and she wouldn't end up like her friends who at later ages were single, lonely, and unsexed. But as she sat on her couch, alone that night - with a glass of wine, surrounded by acrylic paints and unfinished paintings, a guitar that was sorely out of tune, and the concepts of a hundred books she had not yet written, she wondered how she would begin again and wished quietly for the warmth of skin, the beat of a heart, and the rhythm of bodies entwined to comfort and quiet her mind.

ready to move on

May 7, 2010

i'm ready to move on from this dialogue and to start a new conversation

i'm excited for something new, and not just sitting in my sandbox of painful yet safe

i'm ready to release him thus releasing me

i'm happy to be free but I have no idea how to begin

i've never had to try and so I am naked with no tools to engage

i will not make the same mistakes and will not fall for safe and easily accessed conversation

i'll have to create a different pattern that I have not yet conceived

i'm ready to move on from this dialogue and to start a new conversation.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Let's play

May 6, 2010
Creepy that you make my very private life about you.
Creepy that you'd bring up something so tremendously personal and try to use it against me.
Creepy that you monitor, report, lie and repeat.

You are the essence of sleazy but that does not make me vulnerable.
You are legally allowed to do what your doing, but that does not make it right.
You can try to manipulate me and those I care for, but you will fail.

This hubris will be your downfall because there is a limit to how far you can go.
This chess move is a faulty one if you think I will react.
This is not your business, this is mine.

I dare you to try.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

i like

May 5, 2010

i like
talking again until late at night
but i know this isn't love
i feel
hearing a voice that inspires
but i know that its a different story for us both
i want
lying naked and feeling my hip bones
and imagination is a dangerous asset
i resign
that this was not to be and instead
i am grateful for the catalyst you have been.