Monday, December 27, 2010

Acknowledging the muse

Dec 27, 2010

Acknowledging the muse

It turns out, I have always fallen in love with a muse. At 14, I fell deeply, passionately, and hungrily in love with a boy who made me want to become the performer I'd always admired. It happens, like an echo, in my life and perhaps it's the fate of a tortured artist. Call them catalysts, name them according to their genus, but they are simply muses. I am currently in love with a recent muse that I know very little about. He has inspired me to create, invent, and adventure because I can see his future in this particular fairy tale I am crafting. So I will build this, knowing that such passion will cause inevitable loss, exceptional gain, and gently pain. I will script this fairy tale, and I will hunt that which makes it extraordinary - and at the end, my muse will move to the extraordinary, and I will smile knowing that I will re-create, when once again inspired.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ouch: A Haiku

Dec 25, 2010
It stings just a bit
this radio silence
yet tis expected

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Not ready yet

Dec 14, 2010
The art of seduction
the power of flirtation
the roles of romance,
are a carefully
choreographed dance.

With self protective similarities
put temporarily aside,
we fall into a passionate stride.
But this won't ever be for more
than simply the now.

So for tonight
for the now,
I will dance with you.
but I won't risk the chance
of caring for more
 than just a few hours.
The peril of falling
is far too great.

So instead for now,
you are my date,
and tomorrow
we'll remember
in hazy dark flashes

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Manthropology - A study of archetypes

Dec 12, 2010

Perfectly polished nails type out some thoughts on men after a fabulous weekend in Las Vegas. I am no expert, but I do adore them - confusing, compelling, intriguing, and fun. Men are decidedly different than women. Their independence is powerful. I can only hope, as a profoundly proud woman, to someday achieve such independence. Unlike women, men - when they realize they are simply an accessory, can detach. We as women cling, grasp, attempt to create relevance where there is none. A man can rarely be played when it comes to love or lust. Women seemingly always want more.

So my mantra is "Do No Harm" and fortunately it seems my material is sufficiently self protected and not easily harmed. Fantastic! I will conduct my investigation into the better understanding of men with that in mind. I do not intend to fall in love with any of my archetypes and will carefully protect my emotions when learning from them. I will date each type of man, know him, witness his experience with me, and reflect upon the translation as it applies to falling in love.

Guided by my dearest board of directors (my gay friends) I will be reminded of the rules when it comes to men.

1) I cannot change them. (nobody can)
2) I cannot fix things that are innately wrong - in interaction, emotion, connection.
3) Their history defines them as much as mine defines me.
4) Men are simple.
5) So are women.

and lastly

6) We all do secretly want to fall in love when the time comes.

But that time - is not now.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Back - tentatively

Dec 8, 2010

First - I will address the issue of the new forum. Seemingly I can no longer track views, download my own posts, nor collect comments on my blog. All of these things were comforting when composing in a very very open space, albeit nearly incognito. It makes further authoring - intimidating and I cannot help but consider the tree within a forest. If a blogger posts, but cannot track reads - is she making a difference, impacting, or even being read? Does this even make a sound?

Secondly, I will discuss the return to my core study of Manthropology these last few months. Let me say, in practice - it is quite exhausting. The simplicity remains, but in each of the archetypes there is a complex battle of character needs - none are without requirement, and as adorable as they all are - returning home alone early in an evening, before too many cocktails have orchestrated an evening's continuance - is occasionally (if not frequently) essential.

I have returned to the excavation of what makes men and women tick together This time in a less observant and more experiential place. I am hesitant to expound tonight - as my head is full of thoughts, and distracted by ringing phones, pinging texts, and dinging emails - but I am looking into men again - what makes them tick and how we as women might choose to like a certain specimen for more than the hours of 11 -7.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 36 - Abandoning the little girl (At Peace)

Nov 16, 2010

I will not be perpetually strong, nor will I always be required to give more than I take. I do not have to be eternally grateful that I exist, although I must live with gratitude because life is a blessing. And I will fall just a bit in love with everyone I meet, because I am a story teller, I am a creator, and I am also a bit coarse and street smart.

I explained to someone today that my job was to repackage fairy tales, heroes tales, and create a bit of hope while finding a way to make money doing it, and I am at peace with that magical blend of practicality and fantasy. Although I might approach some days with the feisty aggression of my business brain, I will approach just as many with the romanticism of my poet. And in this duality, the little girl - who optimistic, dreams of the fairy tale and the woman who understands that princess movies generate a delicious target audience - will play together creating stories and living happily ever after.

I can be both without fear, and I will be me.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 32 - Abandoning the little girl (40 Days Go Fast)

Nov 12, 2010

Deciding to write on a certain subject for 40 days seems at the onset like an unimaginable task. How might I keep focus on a creative endeavor, how might I be able to pull sufficient material out of my brain on said material, but somehow - it went fast. I'm a week shy of closing the door on composing thoughts about what womanhood might mean when there was once a broken girl trying to be sufficient. I have grown, just a bit taller, just a bit stronger.

Recognizing that I actually abandoned a happy, strong, hopeful little girl about a decade ago, and with that chose to hide as a young lady under applied new rules versus my own intrinsic rules, was actually quite freeing. I have set limits with the men in my life, I have stood up to the tonality of a parental relationship and am quieted by their silence, but comforted in my own space.

To know that I don't have to choose pain, disrespect, and I don't have to give someone permission to be limited while expecting myself to be unlimited, all the while - needing to be relevant, is gently empowering. And most importantly, I don't have to be searching for the One. Because just a little bit every day, I will be a romantic playful little girl, free of the requirements of permanence, perfection, and relevance. Just to be alive, that's a game worth playing!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 30 - Abandoning the little girl (A kiss may just be a kiss)

Nov 9, 2010

A kiss may just be a kiss.
And that simple exchange of proximity
may need not mean anything more.

Simple, tactile, passionate, and new
I will gently lean towards you.

Terrified, I open the door,
to a kiss, just a kiss,
that may mean nothing more.
2:53 AM

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 29 - Abandoning the little girl (Starry Nights & Songs)

Nov 8, 2010

Nature has always offered certain anchors in my life, the sight of the little dipper turned upside down showering the purple night sky upon the world, the way all colors green look best when witnessed while lying on grass as leaves are pressed against the ethos' periwinkle, the deep sapphire of the ocean on a fall day, and the pure white of the run silver bells on the slopes of aspen's gray and darkest green treeline. Most of my memories are outdoors.

Sitting under the stars at my first concert, I heard Paul Simon and understood what it felt like to feel in unison. I get teary eyed when I hear Tom Petty's Free Fallin because when I was about 13, I realized it was a song that made me happy. I sobbed at a Springsteen concert. To move with music, to move with a story told that resonates somehow with thousands in Dodger stadium is true power, and I listen to the music of my memories and can re-trace my life and each time I fell in love.

I fall a little bit in love with everyone and imagine every man I know might be a soul mate, which is not to be confused with The One. It is because I feel deeply, passionately, and empathetically. This will never change. I imagine that I will have hundreds of soul mates because I can and will love without restriction. This, I hope does not preclude a life long mate at some point, but it may.

To learn to be unlimited by this power of feeling instead of crushed by its immensity is to learn to swim deep in the ocean with millions of pounds of water overhead and know that despite the depth, one can remain safe.

So with expansive natural anchors and songs that I accompany melodically with a clear voice and a reaching heart, I will grow. I shall remain as unlimited as I always have been and perhaps someday learn to accept this vast requisite range of feelings without fear.

Day 28 - Abandoning the little girl (Less hopeful)

Nov 8, 2010

Roller coastering enthusiasm has gotten the best of me. Returning home to solitude after adventures in non stop, tons of talk, reasons to laugh, all out collaboration gone wild, and I instantly remember why I've hidden in relationships before. Being alone at the end of such activity is unsettling. Quiet feels cold.

But in my determination to understand the childhood basis of these feelings, I will take a proactive moment to deconstruct. As a little girl, I once remember sitting patiently on the bottom of the staircase long after I'd been sent to bed, because something was left undone.

"I just need a hug."

The curiously specific demand from a little blonde six year old, was met with a wee bit of confusion, followed by an enthusiastic, overcompensating and apologetic hug from my father. It had been nearly a week since I'd had a hug as my mother was traveling. For me, just the smallest amount of affection was sustaining.

I cannot deny that I am tactile and I will always reach for connection. I cannot change that I have needed touch and proximity to define my relevance as long as I can remember. Yet I do not know how that translates into becoming an adult. Because we are not permitted to be so bold. We are not permitted to need, or to need to be held - and as an adult, asking for a hug, a wholehearted two armed, make me feel safe even though we are just friends hug, isn't an option. You will misread it, and I will mislead it.

That makes me feel less hopeful, but tomorrow I will try again.

12:06 AM

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 26 - Abandoning the little girl (Tired)

Nov 5, 2010

Flying across the country, writing a paper about branding, preparing to shoot a reality adventure, enjoying the company of new friends, and pretending with old is exhausting. I am left with nothing.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 25 - Abandoning the little girl (Maybe You are not The One)

Nov 4, 2010

When a little girl changes seamlessly from her Cinderella costume to Snow White in an afternoon and spends the night as Sleeping Beauty, slaying dragons and riding away on horses, the novel romance of a prince charming is a moving target based only upon the framework of the adventure ahead. It isn't until she is a little bit older that she is reminded to choose. You must choose your path - Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Jasmine! But why cannot we be them all? Why must we be prescribed to choosing just one future, just one fairy tale? Just one role.

I've lived the search for The One. I've found myself petticoat deep in dresses and flowers all for the god blessed search for permanency and perpetuity, only to realize that perhaps The One, is not always the goal. The prince charming does not make a princess whole.

It's a story of playmates and dreams and understanding that we are creatures who evolve. For some reason we are taught at a relatively early age - the mid twenties - to STOP. Settle, calm yourself, and be at peace with your now. While being at peace is essential, it does not mean we should stop growing, and the one you may choose at that age, may not choose to grow with you, and while perhaps is absolutely one for now, is not The One forever. Because in your life you can be Jasmine and Ariel and Belle, and you will never be rendered complete by the romantic proposal of your prince charming. Instead your story may be richer and many princes will perhaps share your fairy tale as you learn to live your own happily ever after.

8:45 PM

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 24 - Abandoning the little girl (No Fear)

Nov 3, 2010

The right to be unlimited belongs to everyone. The chance to reach for the extraordinary and not be afraid is not restricted. I can approach life with no fear and I will try. Please join me.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 23 - Abandoning the little girl (Yes I love kittens, curves, & I am absolutely a Democrat)

Nov 2, 2010

OK new guys who might come into my life in the future, let's be clear on a few things. Unlike the last time around when I pretended to be something I wasn't, gave more than I should have, and became malleable to the male ego because that's what a woman should do, this time I'm just not going to pretend for your sake that I'm anything but who I am. If you don't like me, the whole me, I'm not going to change. You wouldn't so why should I?

Yep, I have cats - two ridiculously large maine coon cats that I didn't ever mean to really have, and yes they were both brought into my life by past men, but for better or worse - these monsters live in my house and I am responsible for them. I let them sleep on my bed, and I don't care if you are allergic. I totally am and I deal with it.

I have a pretty hard time ever saying no. Don't take advantage of it! Don't realize that because it makes me feel good to give you should just take take take and not give in return. You can count on me to be there for you and I expect you to be my friend and be there for me. Eventually even though I pretend it doesn't matter, it will. I need hugs and to be cared for.

Nope, I am not that interested in being friends with your mother. I have my own complicated family relationships and that's plenty for me. I will however enjoy hearing about your family, listening, sharing ideas, and even on the occasional vacation spending days together, but it is your family and as screwed up as mine is - I don't need a replacement.

I love action movies and princess movies and am pretty sure I am a princess superhero. Get over it - I live in a movie in my head, am silly, creative, and playful.

I have a hot body and boys like me. I find it fun and don't anticipate ever being less attractive again even if it intimidates you. If I'm too hot for your ego - go to the freaking gym please! My sign is Caution Curves Ahead - That isn't changing!

Lastly, I am a total hippy democrat and it's 100% based on social issues. I absolutely adore gay people and am a christened fairy princess, I fight vigorously for women's equality, believe in affirmative action, public education, and social policy. I despise the small minded right wing faux christian hate contingency in America and am happy to be a gay loving liberal Catholic myself. Yep, I totally agree that our fiscal policies are a complete disaster and I am with you on the fact that capitalism is awesome, but fundamentally until your party can get its head out of its tail and stops making policies that hurt people personally - I am voting for the dems.

I like me and I am ok with standing up for what I believe in; Kittens, Generosity, Independence, Princess Superheros, Curves, and Civil Rights.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 22 - Abandoning the little girl (An Unexpected Crush)

Nov 1, 2010

They are called crushes for a reason. Will likely write more over a glass of wine tonight, but for now.

Somehow - eye contact, new friendship, and the unexpected attention of someone who is totally not your type can quickly evolve into a distracting crush. The question is though - like others, once you've actually made contact and spent more time together - will it simply end in disruptive flames? Should you just keep the mystery and let the heart beat faster at the thought - or is it worth the risk?

This may be a case where the previously un-hurt little girl rushes in to play with a new friend but the woman who's been bruised and broken isn't sure just how sage approaching something new could be. Who gets to play in this situation? How do you learn from your past without being burdened by the fear of repeating it?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 21 - Abandoning the little girl (Halloween)

Oct 31, 2010

On days like today, people often consider the purpose of the holiday for adults as - "Girls dressing slutty day" and the truth is, we are all seeking just the chance for a night to be a character we fantasize about. So when all of us women run around half naked dressed as sexy princess cats, naughty witches, burlesque dancers, nurses, or superheros, it's not so different then when we were little girls. We used to want to be a princess because it meant a fairytale, now we want to be a naughty princess, because it's means a hot fairytale.

Yes, we like different candy now - in the forms of cocktails and digits, and trick or treat may have a different meaning - and yep you can kiss me tonight because tomorrow I'm off limits again. At its most basic level, we women who have had to take on roles of dominance, control, expertise, money maker and bear these new roles concurrently with the traditional ones of care taker, pretty date, homemaker, mother, girlfriend or wife, are stripping away who we have to be day in day out and trying on, just for a night, a little less clothing, a lot more freedom, the chance to just be wanted for being hot, and taking a moment to let our inner vixen free.

Don't worry, we'll button back up for work on Monday. But we'll have a little spring to our step and a fond memory of simply being sexy and escaping for a just a night.

8:44 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 18 - Abandoning the little girl (Faith in Psychics)

 Oct 28, 2010

So I called a psychic network today. Not because I was in dire need of spending hundreds of dollars on the opinion of a random ironing bored sorority house-mother, but because a friend of mine runs a psychic network and set me up with a free trial.

In 24 minutes, my new psychic friend Marin identified that I was an ocean lover who should spend more time diving, should enjoy a few non-committed romances and no strings attached affairs, that in the next two years and three months I would be ready for a substantial career change or move, and that I was about to earn more money then I'd ever imagined. Generally speaking - a pretty delicious forecast.

What was compelling though was that when I asked if she thought I'd ever have children, she said that somehow the spirit of a strong playful energetic and competent little girl was coming through. There is a one to one relationship between me and this little girl who's feet were always covered in sand. She said that usually something coming through this strong might indicate a death or a miscarriage, but instead it seemed that this particular little girl is getting stronger by the day and in the next few years she will become part of my life.

Huh - how about that?

2:34 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 16 - Abandoning the little girl (Insomnia)

Oct 26, 2010

Exhausted and awake - this was never a problem as a child was it?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 15 - Abandoning the little girl (Back from a day off)

Oct 25, 2010

Yep - I skipped day 14. I slept for about twelve hours awoke for five and slept for another twelve while nursing a really wretched and dizzying sinus infection which rendered my eyes blurry, my mind empty and I have not been able to kick out its presence for ten days. Probably born of a night with excessive, unlikely and not customary cigarettes that matched a bright red dress and some deliciously bad decisions. And after a true day off, I went to work with bright eyes and a slightly more engaged spring to my step after sleep.

But sometimes, I will not be creative, and sometimes I will not be able to come up with the extraordinary - or even reflective ordinary. Sometimes we all need to rest and sometimes we all need to be a bit quiet.

Every once in a while our bodies will give out and sometimes a fractured neck and rusty bones will ache with rain, ache with wind, and we will find comfort curled up in bed and that does not make us weak.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 13 - Abandoning the little girl (Dirty Soles)

Oct 24, 2010

At the end of day 13, I am beginning to realize that abandoning the little girl is not actually about leaving her behind at all. In fact, the adventure of addressing my inner child these last couple of weeks has made me realize it was perhaps she who was missing this last decade! Not that I recommend that we all become adolescent in our behavior, but perhaps that we embrace our sweet creative optimistic child at heart and run barefoot occasionally, imagine we are superheros, paint in patterns, and laugh.

A child is innately competitive and will run hard as they can, but they are also a good sport; congratulating a friend upon a victory and dancing with joy for second place. While winning in business is essential, enjoying the game is perhaps our primary reason for playing.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 12 - Abandoning the little girl (On Playmates)

Oct 22, 2010

Making new friends is a lot easier when you are a child. But I'm tired from a night of meeting new people, standing poolside in delicious purple heels and a well curved LBD (little black dress) on a warmish Hollywood fall night, and I don't know what to think. I just know that playmates were a lot easier to find when you could just run, skip, and create together, without artifice, without ego, and just for the sake of fun.

If we could all for a moment make friends without agendas, stop networking and start connecting, I think we could all find healthy games to play and grow together.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 11 - Abandoning the little girl (What about procrastination)

Oct 21, 2010

Procrastination is not a childish habit. Jumping up, sprinting forward, grabbing the things in front of you are all instinctual in adolescent nature. Instead, it is a habit formed by a person as they grow and learn they might not always be correct to leap ahead. Fear is learned.

I think that perhaps procrastination is a combination of insecurity, and a little bit of hunger for a rush, and most of all fear of beginning without knowing exactly where things will lead. Because a lack of destination is the most scary path when you've spent years mapping out your goals.

Today, like most days, I've accomplished a bit, and not everything I wanted to. There are lists undone. So tomorrow I will promise to take a little step towards those changes and challenges I fear most.

And in the coming days I will address the writers block, approach the math phobia, make the call that I've been meaning to make and try to undo just a little of all that being a grownup has taught me not to do.

I encourage you to do it too.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 10 - Abandoning the little girl (A little bit on friendship)

 Oct 20, 2010

A little bit on friendship.

Defining friendship and living with respect is an un-simple process when bad habits have been practiced for an entire adult life. As children, friendship and kindness are innate, and it is trained out of us by aging.

How we interact with our friends, how we craft friendships, and how we deconstruct them may be the most childish thing we do as adults. Hurt feelings, spite, vengeance, disgust can all quickly override anything that resembled respect, caring, concern, and even love.

It has been said and is clearly quite true, that the better we know someone, the far less careful we become. Becoming less careful with our friends is a very sad grown up habit.

5:10 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 9 - Abandoning the little girl (Remembering the mermaid)

Oct 19, 2010

I don't think I'm willing to abandon the mermaid memories and underwater dreams of my childhood. When I was little, I watched, from my yellow encased vehicle, an underwater adventure as the mermaids swam in laps around the lagoon at Disneyland, and I have revisited those memories throughout my life. Floating freely, hair in a surrounding billowing glimmering halo, and the ability to make the littlest kick send ripples that move at the speed of sound.

I am anchored to the depths of the ocean and freed by the quietness of echoing waters. It is another metaphor of the silence I've sought since my ears were shattered by the adamant demands of those around me even as a child. I plunge quickly and swim to the deepest parts looking for meaning - weightless with the tons of water pressing upon my form.

And this search for depth, this search for silence, masked by a bubbling and babbling brook upon the surface is the very balance between the little girl and the woman, only which is which?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 8 - Abandoning the little girl (Listen but don't break)

Oct 18, 2010

Learning to take things far less personally is essential to growing up. I have been in a particularly sensitive place and have allowed others' thoughts, reactions, ideas, and opinions to cut deeply into my soul these last few months. I have always been curious about how others might perceive me and that curiosity has left me an open book, easily read and readily manipulated.

I work in a world of manipulation, ego, altercation, and control. The very act of dominating with disrespect can brew success, if only for a while for the executives who run my industry. I am personally never slated to be that kind of leader, my true nature will not allow me to be so cruel. I am willing to acknowledge that I need to work with these colleagues while protecting myself from their manipulative tentacles.

Abandoning the little girl may very well mean acknowledging that she is there and respecting her in my core. I am grateful for the kindness and empathy I will bring to every situation, my sensitivities and emotions are integral. Protecting the little girl inside so she does not fall victim to the predators surrounding, and remembering her legacy so she does not die entirely inside becomes my real task.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 7 - Abandoning the little girl (Get a good night's sleep)

Oct 17, 2010

After a weekend like that, there's not much I can muster. Some days, excessive self reflection isn't productive and one best get a good night sleep to start a new week with a strong stride.

Day 6 - Abandoning the little girl (Too many reflections)

Oct 17, 2010

Mirrors, reflections, and reality

I watched myself tonight as I memorialized a woman who had it all. Family, love, experience and loss. I was also forced to see my own refection in a stranger. This person reiterated my clear struggle, woman desiring legitimacy, and person who might be innately relevant. I tossed back long blonde hair and laughed at comments about my own sensuality and thought - do I distract from my end goals with femininity? Am I hindered by the nature that is so innate? Can I embrace the memory of a woman who had it all, and still just be bad ass? Is it possible to be me, knowing that we all need to be loved, and be strong enough to accomplish what I have set in motion?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Day 5 - Abandoning the little girl (Maybe it's ok not to be perfect)

Oct 15, 2010

Accepting inadequacy and knowing that you will not be perfect at everything is a very grown up step. I'm not sure I am entirely ready to accept that I will not be able to master all that which I am presented with, but I am certainly willing to try. In the past, I've always played games I knew I'd win, and now venturing into uncharted, and perhaps un-winnable territory feels perilous.

I created a persona, a stage name, at the early age of birth - to perform and convince everyone that I was an expert. It worked and for the last thirty some odd years, I've fooled a few people into believing I might be totally adequate. But today, it's highly likely I failed. Failed from lack of preparation, disinterest, distraction and possible weakness.

So instead of being indignant and distractingly expressive, I will humbly accept that I am occasionally inadequate when pursuing perfection and that's OK.
10:25 PM

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 4 - Abandoning the little girl (Learning to let go)

Oct 14, 2010

Learning to let go is perhaps not just the challenge of abandoning the little girl, but also the challenge of every idealistic adolescent as they become a reserved adult. I've spent many years offering undue importance on those who would not return sentiments and clinging to things, relationships, dreams, jobs long after their time had ended.

Being able to look with a critical eye and a non emotional heart at those things that have run their course, appreciate them for their evolutionary effects, and calmly bid them adieu is something I must learn.

So I wonder, to learn not to be hurt by the natural passings of life's chapters, but to instead reflect peacefully upon memories and let all waters flow away without attempting to halt their inevitable dispersion, is that in fact the grace that would partner with the serenity I imagine?
10:09 AM

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 3 - Abandoning the little girl (Don't react)

Oct 13, 2010

Does abandoning the little girl mean reprieving myself entirely of everything emotional or does it instead entail re-tooling what emotion means in the scope of functional living?

I found myself watching Mad Men again and recognizing a very familiar little girl and a very familiar mother. A therapist instructing the little girl to behave in front of her mother but to always know how she felt inside. Would that have been what therapy taught me as a little girl? Behave and acknowledge?

Truthfully, I never learned how to do either particularly well. But perhaps understanding that the emotions that drive current reactions can actually be tempered and maybe with deeper consideration, emotions might provide for function, not paralysis. Learning to acknowledge, receive, and not simply react - Now that's something to ponder.

6:29 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 2 - Abandoning the little girl (Let your sun shine through)

Oct 12, 2010

So I'm willing to face the fact that the little girl in me shouts for attention and secretly hopes for praise. I'm willing also to face that this may impede reaching what I really want to get to. After a thoughtful early morning therapy session - something I'd recommend everyone spend at least six months of their life investing in, I've discovered that my fear of reaching for the golden ring and achieving the truly successful is far less about a fear of success than it is about a secret need for relevance.

Last week I celebrated a fun and unexpected accomplishment. Something I'd worked long and hard for and was gleefully pleased with its result. We toasted the week with a wild and mischief seeking group of friends clearly in tune with the week's particular success. As I sat on a warm Indian Summer night, dressed in foxy red, watching a debaucherous and adventurous world pass by, I was reminded by a new friend that perhaps I needn't try quite as hard to command relevance. In fact, just being me, just being present, just being part of the world I love, might in fact be enough.

Let the extraordinary shine through without demanding awareness - is that possible? Is just being me and allowing accomplishments to speak for themselves realistic? Who will tell my story if I don't? Who will notice if it's not explicit? Is just being me, enough - and frankly enough for who? 

I'm certain I'm not the only one who's felt this way, so I pose the question to the other women out there, if we don't claim our own destiny and achievement, can they stay ours? Can we really trust that others will respect us implicitly, or do we have to demand it?

The answer may seem clear, but how can we be sure and how do we have the courage to risk relevance?

9:15 AM

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 1 - abandoning the little girl

Oct 11, 2010

How easily it is to indulge in chick like behavior!

What a massive amount of time is literally drained trying to understand the un-understandable. We script in stories in our minds and assume all sorts of things that are positively irrelevant and likely preposterous.

I've decided to formalize this project of 40 days of giving up being a "girl". Like a rubber-band on my wrist, I will snap myself back into reality when I find myself drifting to dumb self absorbed and dramatic girl crap. I will depend on my dear friends to remind me how not to behave and I will rely on their candor as I try to evolve from this strange bird I've become.

I suppose even this very act of typing out my little diary, and I am a bit chick. Does giving up my emotional side equate releasing myself from the bonds of a passionate side? Is dispassionate and irrelevant the proper way to address the world, and if I do that - will I still be who I truly am? Or is there a balance between the tsunami of fantasy and distracting imagination with productive indifference? Can I be less crazy and still find the words to compose? Do I want to?

How do you put it out of your brain? How do you shake the thoughts that bear no relevance on what you need to get done? How do I un-distract from the useless? 

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Abandoning the little girl.

Oct 10, 2010

It has been recommended to me by quite a few of the men in my life that I approach career, competition, love, sex, emotions and other relevant life's threads with a bit more of a male mindset. My dearest friend reminded me that I wasn't always a silly pining whining girl, in fact I used to be a heart-breaker not so pathetically heart broken. Those days were a lot more fun, so I'm going to try to return to more me.

Before I went down the path of an ill-fated traditional marriage, I was perpetually surrounded by male friends, and always felt quite at home with the boys. Girls in general weren't close to me, possibly because I was competition, but also likely because I just didn't indulge in the feminine angst that saddled my friends through college and their early twenties. I wasn't too much of a romantic, instead decidedly flirtatious and passionate, and didn't get hung up on hurt. I was quite comfortable being me - despite parental disapproval and a confused conservative home-town world.

I settled into a nine year relationship and, believing that my guy friends and the trouble we caused were likely no longer appropriate for a married woman, surrounded myself with girls. For the first time in a twenty two year life's span, I became a girl. I accepted the odd emotional requirements of my gender, developed and seemingly embraced issues; daddy issues, mommy issues, boy issues, girl issues, career angst, body image issues and unintentionally positioned myself as a conflicted girl. Here I was surrounded by girls who didn't want the things I wanted in life and I tried so very hard to mirror their paths and priorities. Oh my lord what a waste of time that was!

So now, I am finding my way back to a mindset that is decidedly more comfortable for me. Less angst, less poetic pining, more ass kicking, less tearful feelings, more adventure, less ambivalence, and most importantly redefining what being a woman will mean if I just abandon the girl!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

To Surrender but not to Submit

I am learning
to understand that to surrender
is not to submit
to the unacceptable.

To be loved,
to be cherished,
does not require
 to be hurt,

intellectually I comprehend,
but yet sense
has not yet seeped into
my emotional understanding.

I am justified in setting boundaries
and should not back pedal
because I fear I require too much
surrendering to want love
is not submitting to accept

while quiet terrifies me
and a lack of reply
leaves me unsettled
i don't have to fill
this silence

and understanding
seeking closure
is about closure for myself
not anything
another can offer

so I surrender
to the notion
that I want to be cared for
and I surrender to the notion
that with love,
I will feel more complete

but I deny submission to something less
because my strength
will have a place
in my weakness

Again? A Haiku

Aug 17, 2010

Sharp, her body pains
something vicious hides inside
how has this happened?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Because to us, we'll always be young

Aug 14, 2010

Looking through my first true love's eyes last night, I was again the 14 year old chorus girl who in the dusty back stage of a high school theater tempted lust and toyed with love. Our innocence was protected only by the cumbersome costumes of old England's Camelot and the leotards of the woodland nymphs who beckoned, "follow me". His accent took me on great adventures in a young romantic mind.

Eighteen years later we strolled along a nighttime park and fell instep so naturally it was as if we had never missed the critical parts of our stories. He found me, not unlike the enchanting college co-ed I once was, easy to be near and I kissed him hello as if there was no reason not to. His hug was familiar, his laugh echoed as it always had. His eyes, dark and enchanting had begun to crinkle in the way they do in one's thirties, and it was easy to remember why I loved him so.

And we both still are the kids we once were and while life has sculpted us in unimagined ways, there is nothing so tangible as the charming memories of young love and the way it can make a heart beat a little faster eighteen years later.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Nope - You know what, I win

Aug 13, 2010

In the last year, I've made some outstanding and extraordinary changes in my life. I decided to choose me above all else and perhaps that's selfish, self absorbed, and wrong to some - but to me it's freeing and I am not apologetic.

And now, I find myself newly faced with another reason to be distracted from my core goals, and I find myself sabotaging a productive opportunity because of a boy. I am on repeat and it's time I changed this record.  When I was in college I didn't spend a year learning a new and extraordinary language in the fabulous outskirts of Florence, because I loved a boy and clung to his world. As a young adult, I didn't fight harder at my studio job, because I loved a boy and had to plan a gratuitous wedding. As a wife, I paid his debts and ignored my own. I have done this before.

I have sought love, reaction, reflection from men to feel relevant for as long as I can remember. Perhaps it was my innate performer, or my adopted sad soul, seeking an anchor to something, but this time, I am more important than the boy. I am more important than the feelings of sadness or the feelings of temporary joy from being caressed by his affection. Confused, paralyzed, and attempting to distract myself with the turbulent emotions of which I am so familiar, heartbreak - is almost preventing me from sprinting towards this goal.

This time, I cannot stop, because failure is not an option and he is simply not more important than me.

It might have been better if we never met

Aug 13, 2010

It might have been better if we never met,
 she repeats to herself.
Because if she says it enough times,
eventually she might believe it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tonight I write

Aug 11, 2010

Tonight I write without purpose but instead to fill a page.
Because I am confused and without feeling or understanding thereof.
I am afraid to step forward and find myself clinging to what's behind,
or perhaps what should be behind me,
while looking towards a bright and blinding future.

Blinded by opportunity and wary of the steps ahead,
because I am unsure if my gate is steady enough
or my stride is strong enough to take these leaps.

So tonight I write without purpose,
because it is not love,
it is not loss,
it is not the intangible which petrifies me,
it is hope
and of that I am unsure of how I best address
 the ominous presence of something tremendous
found entirely within.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What would it mean

Aug 10, 2010

What would it mean to be extraordinary?
What would it mean to achieve?

Does it mean you are stronger?
Does it mean you are more vital?

Who is relevant?
What is permanence?

If we are all temporary in our existence
then why do some fight for the extraordinary
while others rest simply, peacefully
in love and family.

What would it mean to rise to great heights
and what would it mean if I did not?

Monday, August 9, 2010

thank you baby blue

Sep 8, 2009
I am terribly grateful for the loyalty of a best friend who will brake me on my misdirected momentum. Like the freedom and friendship found in my first car, an 88' blue BMW convertible, his 20 years of honesty and perpetual motion have chauffeured me somewhat safely down the road of my adult childhood. If my journey was a trip playlist it would fall somewhere in the beats of sabotage and david gray. occasionally, my record scratches and the shocking silence of my own desires beat in metric time. 

please forgive me if i act a little strange for i know only too well what i do. 

So I type in subtle metaphor in an attempt to apologize for the burst of unnecessary flames with which I painfully scorch those that I am meant to love and friends I am meant to trust. I am not certain if this highway is mine or if I need to find another brick road, yet for now I am exhausted and weakened by my recent combustion. A fluid sense of direction may not be had for quite some time. 

The reflections of my own choices rest painfully in the air like the last wafting scents of jasmine blooms on a nighttime convertible ride in the final days of summer. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A balance of now

Aug 8, 2010

Learning to balance the now
with the promise of future
and confusion of past
is my next endeavor

and learning to balance the now
with grace, serenity, and calm reflection
is an iterative process

because in the now
in the today
and not just the tomorrow
it is almost always good

despite the days
where tears outlast joy
and the memory of what was lost
seems so painfully strong

it is the now, the moment
this vitality of which
I must seek a balance
and find peace

Thursday, August 5, 2010

the intangible

Aug 5, 2010

nothing can break a heart more than the intangible
like the light of a firefly just after sunset
unexpected, and beautifully fleeting
it is the intangible essence of love or its unexplained
missing ingredient that is most defeating
to the heart.

 she sat with arms curled around her knees
perched woodland elf like on a fallen log
and listened as he explained the intangible
under a gleaming blue and orange lit sky

beautiful and ominous clouds rolled in
filling the sunset. majestic gods
protecting a moment from intrusion as she heard
him explain the intangible reason
he would not love her
and she was afraid to ask

because she had not been loved
in any intangible, elegant,
or passionate way in many years
instead loved only in those most practical
and least satisfying ways
in fact
that was what he was protecting her from
protecting her again

later, when the falling shower's veil mixed with tears
she again wrapped her arms around her knees
this time naked, shaking with true sadness
and she searched
unsuitably for answers
wondering how she might someday
find the path to change her
intangible pattern.

Monday, August 2, 2010

something new

Aug 2, 2010

i'm onto to something
onto something new
not burdened with regret
of what we didn't do

instead a fresh day rises
with salty summer sunned air
and something new is blooming
because it was always there

wafting in the wind
waiting in the wings
dancing in the street
something new to seek

and i don't know the word
describing this something new
voices as of yet unheard
beginning to share sweet clues

and i'm onto something
onto something new
and looking ahead
to what I can and will do!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I am shell shocked

Jul 31, 2010

I am shell shocked
there is no other description
My husband of five years
My companion for nine
Moved the first half of the rest of his belongings out of my house today

And he left behind
the things that would hurt to have
gifts from my family
sweatshirts from our country club
the monopoly game we bought together
lost in the North Georgian mountains,
leaving them for me to deal with, find places for, or throw away in my own
scarlet penance.

And as we were packing, I found a letter I wrote to him a year ago
"I have not been perfect and I am sorry for my anger. I am angry because I am alone and I need you to be more for me. Alone I cannot change the indifference of this marriage, please please please try, I don't want this to end."

And he didn't,
and he didn't think I would ever say
enough is enough
He never thought
He tried - he went to work on himself
but it was too late, I was too broken
I wrote this destiny years before, and now I live it.

We both cried today
he, sitting quietly on the patio
I, stripping pictures from silver frames
hiding in the master bedroom
and we were both weakened
because tomorrow, the truck comes
and it is finished.

So tonight I am shell shocked
because I've purchased a new bed
and moved furniture and vacuumed up memories
and found a place to keep thousands of dollars of pictures
because it's too soon to throw those away
and I don't want a divorce party

because this is not something
you can celebrate.
11:37 PM

Friday, July 30, 2010

I was petrified of honesty - It usually doesn't end well.

Jul 30, 2010

Approaching any relationship with complete honesty is fundamentally terrifying because there is no guarantee that the response will be favorable. I have previously mastered the art of balancing egos, friendships, relationships, all for an unsatisfying but easily layered outcome of companionship.

I have started to chip away at the shell I've created to protect myself from confrontation and now fear in this instance of direct honesty that yesterday, I may have lost a friend.

I want to run back to him, recant my requests. Dissolve any semblance of need of requirement, erase any "me" in the circumstance. I want to tell him that whatever he wants to do is OK and that I have no expectations. I can certainly survive without his help and he can be as irrelevant to me as I seem to him. I want to take it all back and protect myself from reaching out.

But I should not, I can not. I must change my pattern and I cannot allow those in my life to dictate my own self confidence, self assurance, value, or personal strength. I cannot ascribe my fear of needed relevance onto their decision to accept or reject my true nature. Because I am not just a solid rock, I am passionate, flawed, and a gentle soul.

I am allowed to have limitations and expectations. I am allowed to receive as much as I give. I deserve the opportunity to love and protect those in my life, knowing they will do the same for me. I should certainly speak my mind, gently and respectfully, to those I love trusting that if they cannot hear me, they will know it comes from a place of kindness.

Most of all - as petrified as I am of the less than perfect conclusions that may come from true and honest direct communication, I can no longer define the results as good or bad - they are just the results and from them I will choose the next direction to proceed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Rising Tide

Jul 29, 2010

Sand anchored between my toes
after days of walking alongside the water
with all of you repeating in my mind.

I've watched the waves retreat
their generous grasping of my ankles
and "who I am to you" has
grown irrelevant.

It is instead more pertinent to ask
Who am I to me?
and how will that woman
choose to live her next decades?

Who am I to me?
and where will I wander next
on my own volition
not driven by anyone else's train of thought

How will the woman I am
the woman I want to be
the woman I deserve to be
approach her next love affair
her next painful failure
her next insurmountable hill and
her next great success?

and those are the questions
the self exploration
the adventure on a path I now embark.

I no longer will wonder
who I am to you
to all of you

I now define who I am to me
as I walk along the water
enchanted by this rising tide.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Jul 27, 2010

I trust in myself
that I have the strength
to do this differently

I trust in myself that this time
I can be true to my soul
and be there for someone
because for the first time in life
my self and I are acquainted

I don't need to be needed anymore
but that doesn't change that I want to help
and therein lies the balance between
giving to love and not giving to need

I trust that you don't need my support
but I trust that you can take it
I trust that you will be fine
I'd like to offer whatever you need
to find better than just fine

You will seek your own haven
and until you've found solid ground
know you can rest safely upon mine.

We have both outgrown the temporary
the fairy tales,
and into the reality of circumstance
we embark.

We will put certain stories
now forever to rest
because we both need something more.

If you ever need anything
know that I will always give to you

When you need someone
to trust know that I will always love you

And if you do not choose
my help today or tomorrow
trust that I will understand
and I am always here for you

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sleep Walking

She inhales and her eyes widen slightly to the wafting smells of green tea. So much less satisfying than coffee, but she's committed to detoxing after last night's over indulgence in burgers and beer. Approaching the morning with vigor is certainly challenging. But she's ready to present, ready to try, and ready most of all to turn ideas into reality, and hopes into success. Because at the beginning of every long road there is trepidation and at the beginning of all hills, the first step must be taken, and so with sleepy brown blue green eyes, perfect hair,  fitting green dress, and a slowly growing source of energy - she picks up her perfectly appointed pink leather briefcase and steps into her day, leopard print heels first.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Self Discovery

Jul 20, 2010
So I discovered today through thoughtful conversation with my first time ever in life appointed therapist, that I've never been permitted to really feel or process emotions. Because apparently being smart and just a little bit talented was more than "they" ever had and for that I wasn't allowed to complain or frankly ever feel sad. As I had every opportunity the world could possibly provide and any sadness was described as being a self indulgent victim.

I created a self protective duality and have replicated it throughout my last hundred years and to think, part of this self denial and solitude comes simply from them taking my brother to therapy when our family was falling apart and not including me! I didn't realize that I was jealous of the attention he got, namely because I was always told he was jealous of me. Then of course he died and history was re-written and the unhappy troubled youth - became a saint and I am just the girl who wastes her good fortune.

I've learned to put others before me not because I am giving, offer myself up as the sacraficial lamb not because I am generous and remain determined to present perfection despite the volcanoes that rumbled in my soul because it was required. Of course I have no tools for expression, no means for release, and I function right until I explode. And I've made a habit of partnering with people who prefer the function of my soul instead of the fire - because the fiery side is far too uncontrolled and burns anyone who gets too close.

And now I'm on a path, embarking on a journey to learn to harness my energies and channel them, acknowledge my fears, address the lonely girl, cherish the successful woman and meet for the first time the person who self destructs for attention. Because I am far too powerful, too capable, too good, and too kind to let the isolation of the required perfect prevent me from ever giving completely to my own success and receiving what I deserve from this beautiful life.

The road ahead is long and confusing, yet I am primed for the adventure.

- Infinite Vitality Girl